update hii

I question myself why i'm so hesitant to continue blogging.

And i feel like i'm just escaping from my own thoughts, like i think about blogging, what i'm gonna blogg about, preparing to blogg etc but i find excuses to just not actually blogg.

I have one lingering question that's always in my mind; "when am i ready to die"?

i'm not happy, but i'm not suicidal. I mean, i fantasize about my death a lot. Not because i want to die, but i seek purpose. And i NEED something to fill before i'm ready to die.

My thoughts swirm a lot, and i've come to a conclusion.

the ideal is, i'd like to die for a person i love.

.. but i just hate people. There is just something wrong.

I know "good" people, people i find "cool." people who shares the same niche interests as me. And yeah, i love to hangout with good people. People who cares, people who cares about the small gestures. People who buys thoughtful gifts, people who likes to draw, people who likes to create. People who finds through bullshit, honest and loyal people.  People who have open perspectives, people who try to understand you.

These are the kind of people i love.

.. but why do they always, disappoint you in some way?

- malee.