Entry #90

no matter what i cant get them off my mind. every game, song, every artist, every character, every color, every type of clothing, type of animals, everything i do or say or think just reminds me of them, over, and over, and over again. ive finally lost it, im at my breaking point where im just desperate, even if it hurts me even more or those around me. im going to take accountability and apologize to them, even if they get mad or dont care or whatever other negative response i could get out of it. i know they wont accept it immediately, its been almost 2 months or so afterall since any contact. my friends dont know about it, theyre the reason why im not in contact with them anyway. if they find out, im fucked honestly. oh well. no matter what, my stomach will be consuming itself out of anxiousness, guilt, remorse, anything. ive felt the need to throw up for about 2 weeks now. i cant relax. i cant distract myself. no matter what im just constantly thinking of them. i cant get any peace. but at the same time i feel like im supposed to be punishing myself. im not supposed to try to contact them again and make amends, i feel like im supposed to just drown in my remorse as a punishment for throwing them away like they were nothing to me. but even then, even when i threw them away, i hesitated for so long. i couldnt even make myself be mad at them or hate them, i didnt even want to try. i had no reason. i feel even more nauseous typing this. i have nothing to lean on, so if it backfires, i have no one to move on with. i suppose i worked better alone anyway. maybe this is proof i dont though. im so pathetic. who cares. ill try my best to make things right, even if it doesnt go smoothly.