August 4th, 2025

   Does it make me weak to cry? Is it really that bad for me to cry? When I feel this helpless, When I feel like I'm stuck, with nowhere else to go but rock bottom. No, seeing her reach rock bottom is what is breaking me.

   The blood splattered everywhere woke me up, it brought me back to when it all started. The constant screaming didn't faze me anymore nor did the cries and I'm ashamed that it took blood for me to realize it. It sounded like desperate cry for attention and I didn't know what to do but to yell and cry back.

   She hates it when I do that but I can't help it. From the bottom of my heart, all I want is to help her but I can't force her to change and she keeps refusing. I know she's had enough too. Everyone has. What am I supposed to do?

   Day in and day out I feel like I'm rotting whilst desperatly seeking for distractions, to numb me out of this. So that I'm not plagued by such horrible thoughts about her, so that I can try again and help her get on her feet again. And again. And again. And again. For as long as I can take it.

Listening to - Mayonaka Ni Kawashita Yakusoku by Malice Mizer