im sorry to rant again

hello. today was an emotional shitshow. i got to hang out with my two closest friends together for the first time in a year. we went to the beach, played card games, and had a great time. but it all came to a screaming halt when we were watching a movie and doing a stupid game. we were watching transformers (the hilariously stupid michael bay live action one) and were doing what was essentially a drinking game but with mcdonalds chicken nuggets. anytime there was slow motion, the word autobot, the word decepticon, an explosion, or a close up shot of a logo we had to eat a nugget. i ended up getting up halfway through and getting it all out of my system forcefully. this left me in a rather shit state that ended with us going to an old playground at dark and me collapsing on the floor in a sobbing pile only to get up trying like nothing happened.

i have a rather shit relationship with my head. i know there's bad stuff there. i always thought that if i had the knowledge of the bad stuff then it would eventually go away. "yeah i know the problem, and now that i do it will slow before stopping entirely!!!!". that was my logic. it was either that or "i'm aware of this which means i'm just faking whatever this is for attention and should just shut the fuck up". i don't process things, i run away from them until they fade. that's how i live. i force myself to forget what i can't ignore. i don't expect to live long enough for the long term effects to actually catch up with me, but there's that nagging thought of "what if i do?". there is a tightly woven wall in my head that i'm scared to death to tug at the loose threads of. i've grown complacent and comfortable in this survival headspace. sure it's not good, but it's better than some of the possibilities. so i run and i run and i run till i collapse on the floor as everything catches up to me. for a while i saw the other side of the wall. but as the hours have passed it's been recovered. this probably just sounds like schizo rambling sorry. i don't want to trauma dump everything but i have to get this out of my head somehow. in that moment on the floor i was ready to die. i flip back and forth between having made peace with dead and wanting to live at a concerning rate. but obviously because i'm aware that my thought process is shit then it'll go away on its own. because i'm aware i bottle up everything till it cracks and explodes then it's all my own fault; a suffering of my own design. it's not worthy of help because it's my own damn fault. if i made it, then i can dismantle it no problem!!!!! i can't bring this up to my family because there's no precedent. for the last almost 19 years of my life, through their eyes,i have been normal if not a little quirky here and there. reserved, quiet, and generally just a footnote in anything important going on at most. in a family of extroverts, i stick out like a sore thumb. to bring up this i would have to bring up everything that led up to this. i would have to explain my gender (which is a massive hurdle), my shitbag of an uncle, my tendency to hide anything and everything at the fear of not being accepted, the weight of every depressing thing going on in the world, and a lot of other shit i'm blanking on. the metaphorical closet of shit i run away from is bursting at the seams and i don't know if i can survive it. why isn't the coping working. i'm aware of the way my brain works but i can only watch as time and time again it doesn't get better. i am trapped behind a wall of glass as i watch a train derail. i am not going to self diagnose myself because that is a slipper slope, but there is something very very very wrong. i thought i could survive through sheer willpower, but it's not working

american pie - don mcclean