8.6.25

I had a meeting to talk about school yesterday. Went a lot worse than I expected, actually. I don't know if I have to repeat the school year or not, which is a whole issue on its own. They kept talking about anxiety that I haven't felt in two years, also. Like I don't feel like that anymore. That was almost three years ago dude. I think the worst part was the advisor saying "she's transitioning". Then proceeded to use she/her the entire meeting. The lady corrected herself once and used they/them. Which I don't use at all.

I tried talking to my mom about it, and she totally brushed it off. "Well she doesn't know you that well yet" and "she tried correcting herself". How does not knowing me well equate to using the wrong fucking pronouns? Like, I know my mom is just never going to understand it (as much as she claims she does), but it's not hard to just listen. She made some excuse like, "well you say you use any pronouns". That doesn't mean default to the worst fucking one? If I'm transitioning I think it's common sense, man. I only tell people I use any pronouns because I know they won't the correct ones anyway. Not my fucking fault. I think. It's whatever. Anyway.

I've been feeling really off again. I'm in more physical pain than I have been all summer. My knees have been killing me, but that's been a constant for like, three years. My back and like, everything is hurting again. Last time I went to the doctor about it they just wrote it off as growing pains. I don't really think it is, I haven't exactly grown in a while. I've kind of just accepted that it's going to take a really long time to get an answer.

I've been feeling really distant again too, which also isn't helping anything. I've been hanging out with the friends of mine that live on my street, because I haven't seen them in a while, but otherwise I just haven't really been talking to anyone. I have a habit of doing this. I'm also really shit at communicating. I think I just wasn't taught how. I know I can't use that excuse forever, but it's really confusing. I haven't had real conversations with more than three people in the past, like... almost week now? I feel bad for it, but talking to people feels like a chore right now.

So, I guess if you've been wondering why I haven't talked to you in a bit, then this is why? I'm figuring it out, I promise.

I'm still really stressed about school. I don't want to graduate without my friends, I don't want to do work I've already done all over again, and it's kind of humiliating to be misgendered in front of people I've never met and who I'm going to have to talk to at my new school. I argued with my mom twice about it yesterday, like I said. I decided to drop it 'cause nothing's gonna change anyway. I'm talking in circles again, so I'll move on. Sorry that this is so long.

I'm not that stressed about going to a new school. I did it once, I can do it again. I can make new friends there. It's everything else. The possibility of having to repeat a whole year, the workload, other shit. I know I'll have to correct people on my name and shit a million times. Doesn't help that my first introduction to some of the staff was fucking horrible. My mom doesn't even fucking like my name so whatever. I don't know how to work around that. I'm gonna have to suck it up and go by something else until I graduate and can leave this stupid house.

I think I'm done now, actually. It's 5:31 in the morning and I haven't slept, and I just keep talking in circles. Bye.