AUGUST AFFIRMATIONS!!

Hello August. It's finally here omg and it felt so far away before!! what!!!

But also, overall summer has been feeling longer than usual, so im happy for that because i think it means i spent a lot of time doing stuff that matters

I still feel a little underprepared for college, but I still have some time to figure more things out, and the actual forms and stuff i have to have done before going in are already done so im feeling ok for the most part!

As of now, theres a little more than 2 weeks left before I leave for college, so most of my goals will pertain to that deadline

But i also want to have a set of goals and routines built for once im in college!

honestly i have no clue what happened in july but like whatever. whats important right now is now!!! i need to be able to distinguish between good and bad habits and keep the good ones and try to get rid of the bad ones!! i need to make more conscious decisions whenever im doing something!

because time is so tight, i need to be able to prioritize better between the different goals i have

--

Goals/things to do before moving out!

• Clean things + give away/sell unneeded things
  
  - my fuckass makeup pouch omg the sponge is so dirty
  - mainly discard somehow of the big knick knacks i have idk what to do w them
  - figure out how big my room is: they give a number for their size on their website but i have no clue how big that number is
  - MY FUCKASS GOOGLE DRIVE!!! AGGGH THERES SO MUCH SHIT BC OF GOOGLE PHOTOS MAINLY ERGG...
  
  
• Figure out how much stuff i can take...i have a list of specific clothes i want to take but i have no clue how big they are compared to the luggage limit i can carry
  
  
• Plan out what kind of furniture I want and plan where to get them! I think general rule of thumb, more simple stuff like drawers I can just purchase at goodwill or facebook marketplace since they'll be more regularly available... and its good to get stuff for cheap!!!
  
  
• Print out pictures I want!!: I can technically still do this once the semester starts, but it'll be nice to have done i think..then i can decorate stuff immediately!!!!!
  
  
• Repair my laptop!!!!!!! its basically just a jammed usb port. im not sure how much this is gonna cost, and I could also do this once I get there but it could potentially save some time and stress
  
  
• have a more comprehensive list of what I want to bring: I already have a list on this, but it would be nice to flesh out everything even more I think!
  
  
• Send a few letters to myself in the future!!! I saw this thing on reels and I thought it was super cute. obviously not a mandatory thing, but itd be sweet to write smth to myself, maybe for the day when classes begin, finals week, etc. hhehehehe
  
  
• PRESERVATION OF FILES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  
  - make sure to move 
  - stuff in my high school gmail account! the deadline for this is october...but i should probably still figure this stuff out before I leave.........RAAA!!!!

Routine/Habit goals

• Retaining morning and night routine!: it may take some time for me to get back on to this but I really want to try to build these into long-term habits!!!!!!
  
  - shower times
  
  
• More specific, formatted way to assess how good I'm eating: currently i just kinda go off of like "oh i havent eaten that much fruit in a couple days so I'll eat that" but i think it would be better for the future too if I have a better idea of how much of what I want to eat per day. I dont think i can get into the specific specifics up to like calories but i guess figuring out a way to keep my nutritions in balance at least
  
  
• Fix sleep schedule!!!!! this honestly honestly honestly should be the #1 #1 NUMBER ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! priority no joke. a good sleep schedule is the foundation to everything else working out!!!!!!!!!! i really have to take this more seriously and start tracking my bedtime and wakeup time again!!!

Projects/Hobbies

• Audiobook thingy
• Learn how to play Indifference at a faster speed and SMOOTHLY on accordion

Other side things in mind

• Scholarships!!!
  
  Breakthrough Junior Challenge is mainly in mind bc i should work on a significant portion of it now if i want to do anything w it at all.. 
  
  And then theres the lgbtq one that opens up on september that im eying....
  
  but in general i should keep reminding myself to be on the look out...COLLEGE EXPENSIVE AF!!!
  
  
  

Goals for after getting to college!

• Designate a cleaning/tidying day!: My mom always cleans the house on Tuesday so maybe I can just do that. This would help in keeping my space tidy and it will ultimately benefit my mental health
  
  
• BUDGET SHEET!!!!! : I'll be getting some allowance from my parents + money from the federal work study program, but I'd like to not actually spend the whole thing each month if possible. I want to make some savings and keep  things organized
  
  
• Have important dates marked on calendars!!!! This will be more of like. right after classes are given and I have access to their syllabi. Ig just have a handy calendar system set up...maybe a few notion systems for things...just try to keep organized!!!! but also dont be to excessive bc then it wont be realistic
  
  
• Figure out a consistent shower time!!! : I shower twice a day, once in the morning just to wash my face tbh and once before bed to wash my hair and cleanse my face again. I get oily pretty quickly but also doing a wholeass shower to wash my face is prob a little excessive eegrjhgr I should start getting used to just washing my face normally. Unless the ppl in my floor barely shower!!!! it looked like there were quite a lot of shower rooms to be shared my the floor, but i should still try to minimize excessive usage of it. It would be good to figure out a consistent shower routine that fits to my needs and works with ppl on my floor though!!!!!! also should probably have some dry shampoo and the paper thingies that remove oil from your face justtt in case. 
  
  
  

I might think of more stuff later so I will probably copy paste this on to a google doc or smth

----

Relationship w mom

HOLY FUCK. I hope it gets better later but it has been a SUICIDIAL EXPERIENCE to be around my mom AS OF NOW. And she is doing an excellent job at making me want to leave

Do i want our relationship to be this way? OFC NOT but she has been making it VERY hard recently for me to stay sane. It's been so bad that hearing her voice for any occasion has been making me want to fucking die. It's just so fucking. frustrating. especially when she acknowledges that she has anger issues and that she never ever eve rveve rve ever ever ever ever ever ever ever strives to fix it at. all. at all at all at all at all. at. all. she says shes aware of her problems but i dont think she is. and shes been like this through all the years ive been with her. there is literally no hope of her fixing these problems so the best shot at keeping a good relationship w my mom is physical distance! So that we both don't have to deal with each other's bs. 

I have good aspirations on how me moving to college will play out for our relationship and im very very optimistic and excited ab it!!!!! (but at the moment its more like i want to desperately get the hell out of here)

at least she'll be less annoying once the driving lessons are over, but what frustrates me the most is that she will still think all her actions were right and that she'll just try to return to normal like nothing's wrong. Perhaps this is a bit petty, but I really just. hope that I don't forgive her to the very second i leave. Ik i said she isnt gonna change herself but im really just hoping i can hurt her in some way. And by hurt her as in just leave without saying much. And i think this is by FAR a very reasonable response and mild "payback" for all the fucking shit she has said and done to me in the past. 

It won't be too late to forgive her once I'm settled in college and I start to miss her. I think that would be the best choice for me mentally. 

-----

EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT KEEP STRONG KEEP LOOKING FORWARD

KEEP WORKING ON GETTING RID OF THE ALL OR NOTHING MENTALITY!!!! ITS AB DOING WHATEVER U CAN!!!!!!!! GOGOGOGOGOGOGOOOOO!!!