Let me delete the last months of my life, or at least last week

Going out with you today felt somewhat odd, I didn't know what to speak and what to do for the most part, even if we've known each other for more than a year now– we know each other, don't we? At our spot, I suppose, I was really cold, like it was November again and it snowed the first time, and we were both so awkward, not knowing anything– back when things were new. I felt like I couldn't look anywhere else but the landscape with the city, but i kept on thinking about that day full of joy from months ago, and I swear I could've felt a snowflake falling on my nose. Maybe it's just my cold acting up...

I've been quite tensed up these days, not particularly because of one reason– i just stress; that's what i do best. I look around my room and find my walls so empty and lifeless, stripped from the memories. When i made that whole shit show that night, ripping shit from my walls and making it into tiny pieces i just wanted to delete everything from my memory, to forget about all good and focus on what i had in mind– it didn't work, i just regret my gestures now and i'm trying to glue everything back together like nothing ever happened, but i believe they will never look good again, and that i should make room for new things, i don't want to. I don't want to take new pictures and put them up on my wall, i want my pictures. I am so scared that everything is fucked up now and irreversible, no one is giving any other advice(or warning i guess) other than what i know. 

We fucked up i suppose...

When you caressed my head and back earlier today, i couldn't help but feel like crying– i held it in so well that i didn't even believe myself. I couldn't look into your eyes; because i'm guilty, or scared... i don't even know what i was feeling, and clearly i don't know who to confess all this to cause i already know everyone went mad lately because of this whole thing. You kissed me so quickly like it was the first time, and i looked away just as quick, before that tear finally rolled down my cheek– i hope you didn't notice, i didn't want you to feel bad. When you told me that you love me, i took a moment to think about it, not that my heart didn't know its feelings, but because i wasn't sure it was real. I love you, too , i said, believing every word and sound i had pronounced, partially hating myself that i had to doubt you.

I had promised so much bullshit in my life, and only then i realized how awful i can be with that, but how am i supposed to get over my ways? How are you supposed to do the same thing? 

I've missed the you that i know, as corny as that may sound.