Getting Older

As time passes, so do you. But as your sand starts falling, you seem to worry about it less.

I've done a lot of growing up the past year, dear reader. Its strange, almost incomprehensible both how the same and yet different things begin to feel, even in just the course of a year. I'm writing this while looking out the window, at almost 4 in the morning, just like my first blog. 

But it's a different window, one of an apartment I rent for me and my father. My cat is sleeping next to me, the whirring fan of a game console installing the only thing really connecting me to reality. It almost makes me feel proud in a way. I no longer feel beholden to anyone, and that genuinely makes me the happiest I've ever been. 

But at the same time, I feel so much more stressed. Money is what turns my life sometimes, it seems. I certainly have more than enough, but it always just feels so, apparent. The bills have to be paid, rent has to come out, my taxes have to be filed. Despite all my growing and changing while attempting to stay the same person at the core, money seems to be a force that drives everything in my life in a way that just, saddens me I guess.

Work is both a pride and a burden, but after 4 years of it I feel like I can't imagine a life with so much free time. It adds a structure to my life that, I have to admit, has made me overall healthier as a person. Theres a sense of belonging to it, as sad as that may seem. That something needs me almost every day, and that I'm making a difference, a small one, but a difference nonetheless.

I spend less and less time on the internet these days. The appeal has lessened and lessened. I still play games, I still watch movies, but the internet seems like the thing I've cut from my life for time. Youtube is a casual affair to watch with friends, I like reading blogs or articles occasionally, I talk with 2 or 3 friends, but... the appeal of constant consption is just gone for me. And good riddance, honestly.

But thats being an adult, isn't it? So I ask of you, dear reader, how did you deal with growing up? Are you currently? Are you avoiding it?

-Rachel May, with love, signing off for another day