root

I wanted a diagnosis. Instead of just trying to treat it, I also wanted to understand why I am the way I am. My father says it's to get his attention, my mother says it's a vitamin deficiency, others say it's because of my family; I just wanted a reason, an explanation for why I'm like this. My family has no history of mental health problems; it's a completely clean record. No one even has a history of depression. I also never experienced any childhood trauma, as the neurologist asked. So I don't understand, my parents don't understand either, how did I end up like this? This leads me to think that this curse, which has no reason or justification for existing, is something bigger; am I paying for something? I think I wanted that too, because if I had something that could fit in a box and be cataloged in a book, it would be easier to handle and understand. But I'm not asking for one, I know it's very difficult at this age.

It's just a complaint , I think, something that I believe might make it easier for me to live with myself, but mainly it would clear up my doubts about why I'm so out of the ordinary, because no matter how much I think about it, I can't find a justification, reason, or root cause.

I can't understand why living is so much harder for me, why I feel more than others, why practically everything is more exhausting and complicated for me than for most people. Even those I know who also deal with depression manage to live much better lives than I do, while for some reason I just keep getting worse every year that passes. I think that if I could discover the reason for all this, maybe I could improve and evolve like my friends who also deal with depression.

My father says I have everything in life and doesn't understand what else I could possibly lack, but I feel the exact opposite; I feel like I have nothing left in life, and I become emptier with each passing day. Do you know how bad it is to see others having a life while I have nothing? My whole life revolves around two people because I don't have anything I can call family, a place I can call home, friends beside them, or ambitions, dreams, or vanity. Seeing the people around me evolve while all I do is regress more each year kills me.

I just wanted it all to end, I wanted to get on a plane and watch it crash, because that way it wouldn't be my choice, and people would remember me in a good way. I feel like I don't have a life anymore, but I also don't even want to have one anymore.