i don't think i love properly

honestly, loving is too hard and no matter how much i want it i don't think i'll ever get the ideal version of love that I want. i think i'll be single for my whole life.

there are days where i'm on my knees begging God for someone to love, clinging to my pillows for dear life while i listen to depressing music through a blur of hot tears. these days hurt really bad, the loneliness almost feels suffocating. i feel almost as if i will die without romantic touch in these times.

there are days where i'm obsessed with romance, but it's more of an evil desire than a depressed plea. i want to crawl into someone's skin, feel the warmth of their organs pulsating against me. i want to be kissed and almost melt at the thought. (the obsessive stage is incredible while i'm in it, but it always ends in a crash which leads to a few hours to even a few DAYS of anxiety attacks, due to the cortisol levels in my body rapidly changing.)

there are days where i'm indifferent to wanting a boyfriend. these days, i'll have a daydream or two and maybe think about what dates i'd like to go on, but i don't feel the heavy desire of the other two examples. i just want passively, not asking but not necessarily opposed. you know?

there are days, also, where i'm bored of men. i want to be left alone, often choosing to spend time with my friends or family rather than fantasize in solitude. not that i'd be mean to my boyfriend, but i find myself shying away from any daydream-hugs during this time

and finally, there are days where i'm disgusted at the thought of having a boyfriend. everyone annoys me and i can't imagine answering questions or talking to a boyfriend, if i had one. but that wouldn't be fair to him, and that's a terrible thing to feel on my part.

i'm thoroughly convinced i'll never find someone who can satisfy my need for closeness as well as my frequent need for space and distance. i don't want a FWB because it's not close enough for me, but i also don't want a boyfriend because what if he wants to hang out with me and i hate everything but i don't want to make him feel bad?? you guys get it right??? like please tell me i'm not crazy.

also it's hard as HELL to fall in love. i know it sounds immature but i can go from devotedly, unhealthily obsessed to disgusted in an instant. i get "icked out" too easily. i can't love anyone the way they need to be loved. i hate how i am in that category.

maybe it's God's way of protecting me? but living this way is so hard.