almost

for the first time i thought maybe there might be something right with me

but now i dont know

i am left unable to find an answer

maybe the one thing truly right all along was you

but now youve left and im afraid ill never get that feeling back

that ill never get you back

i find it hard to grasp that it could truly be over, something that felt so real

maybe i was naive and took it too far

maybe you werent as into it, or into me, as i thought

but i couldve sworn i saw something there

at least i thought i did

and when the smoke cleared, i realized you never loved me

i was a placeholder for your loneliness until you recovered

until you could leave me behind guiltlessly

i hated you, and i hated myself for loving you desperately

i would have worshipped you had you let me love you

i would still if you would only come back

you fled but your shadow never left me

you linger like a scar not yet softened

resting in a place you never intended to stay

i cant make myself forget you

the way your skin felt against mine

your words healing parts of me i didnt know were broken

only now to wake in the middle of the night longing for you to just pretend a little longer

for a while i convinced myself i didnt care

it didnt matter because it never would have worked

it didnt matter because to you it was never real

it didnt matter because to you i never did either

i ignored you, just as you had been doing to me long before

i stopped checking what you were doing, who you were with

i stopped caring what new article you had written, or how you felt about movies

i stopped caring about your love for all things musical

for a while it felt good

for the first time in weeks i thought it might be okay

i figured that if i didnt need you to fill the silence i could begin to care more about other things

i could begin to care about myself

perhaps it was silly of me to try to forget what happened

deep down i knew i never would

i could find millions of things to fill my time, to take up space within my mind

but the second i am left to myself you return to me

i wish you would return to me

it was just a matter of time before i remembered the sting

i felt it as i stumbled across new words you had written

this time they weren't to me, this time they were short and clear, there was someone new

and it became obvious to me just how easy it was to leave

and that i would never hear your words again

i watch you move on

watch you give out your beautiful words and soft touches

i feel my throat tighten, wishing more than anything they were directed at me once more

cradling myself to sleep, if exhausted enough it almost feels like you

almost

days pass by, only making me question more

i was told time would give me closure yet its only seemed to open new wounds

you told me you didn’t believe in soulmates, that it was more romantic to choose to love

and i wonder now what made you choose to stop loving me

i am left with nothing but fleeting memories

they come and go alongside waves of grief and a hunger only you could satisfy

i bask in what little pieces i have left of you

if i held on tight enough maybe you wouldnt really be gone

i remember the way you sang along to our favorite songs, the way you felt them

and the look in your eyes as you laughed at my offbeat quips and careless interruptions

i remember the way you used to look at me, like you could never get enough

i remember you

in my head i see you, you run your hands through my hair gently at the gas station

we wait for the click of the pump, but i wouldn’t have minded if it never came

you leaned over me as i sat down, kissing me softly

there was something tender and addictive about it all, something i had never seen before

the view from above was the best of all

your hands rested eagerly on my hips as i stared down into your eyes

i almost told you that i loved you as i ran my hands through your freshly washed hair

the constant noise behind my eyes wavered as you claimed the last corner of my mind

i meant every word i said, every small touch and kiss

an echo lingering where you once stood beside me

you dimmed suddenly and dissolved, but the door remained ajar behind you

i will leave the lights on in case you ever decide to come back home

pleasecomebacktome