i hate school but i'm thinking about going to college anyways.

i haven't used my cute little theme for these in a minute because they've all been such downers. i like to use the cute little theme when i'm writing a cute little blog. which is preettty rare these days.

last year, i thought that was the lowest i could be mentally. man. i wish. i wish something would've changed so that it never got lower. but here i am. some how found another layer beneath rock bottom. they say once you hit rock bottom you can only go up. not if you're me lol. me? i just dig deeper. somehow. magically. i will find a way to get lower.

but that's not what this is about.

well not entirely. it ties into the topic but it's not the entire thing.

god, all these fuckin blogs are about me. can i write about anything else? yeesh.

i am extremely bored with my life. like overwhelmingly bored with my life. like excruciatingly bored with my life. like. living in this vessel is such a fucking chore. my brain's all fucked up. everything in my head is wrong. the way i think? wrong. the way i act? not normal. everything about me just isn't normal. it pisses me off to no end. because of this, i figure my lack of being able to function normally is the reason why i can't get a job. there's this very silly, naïve part of my brain that thinks that if i get a job i will become somewhat of a normal person. this is a ridiculous thing to think i know this, but that's how i feel sometimes. i don't want a normal job, the idea of having one makes me kinda wanna die honestly. but i need one. so i've applied and applied and applied and have gone to interview after interview and......nothing. i can't stand it.

now. okay. that was kinda just a random tangent. it was sorta in topic but now here's where the actual topic starts lol.

when i left high school, man, i don't even know what i was thinking. all i know is that i knew for a fact that i wasn't going to college so i refused to research or focus on college at all. everyone was telling me "you should go to scad!!!!!" bc that's what every family says to their artist kids. but i was like "no lol" and decided that i'd start working instead. i did get a job. for like 2 seconds. and spent aaaaaaaaaaaaaalll the money i made from it. i was like 18. and i was DUMB. i'm still pretty dumb (very dumb) but MAN. THAT WAS REALLY FUCKIN STUPID. i could've kept that job for longer if i would've just called the manager that day. god, the amount of regrets i'm gonna die with is down right sickening. then after that, i proceeded to not have any real job for the next 3 fucking years. i wasn't taking looking for work seriously enough. i was picky. and i admit, i'm still picky, but i am less than i used to be. back then, i really couldn't stand the idea of working a normal job, so i tried to go all in on the whole art thing. this is unfortunately the start of my spiral into depression. i learned just how incompetent i am without a teacher. or without any help. i can't do anything myself. i just self destruct on my own.

so.

lately i've been thinking.

what if i went to school?

now, i fucking hate school. i really didn't enjoy it as a kid. my high school experience made me starts considering suicide as more of an option and not just an idea. i was fucking miserable. and my terrible time in high school is what made me decide not to go to college. i regret it. i feel like i would be a lot more developed as a person if i would've went sooner. now, i'm stunted. i am just so useless. it doesn't make any sense! so that silly naïve part of my brain comes back again and is telling me "hey maybe you could go to college and learn how to be a person there!" once again; ridiculous, right? that's not guaranteed to work. that's stupid. 

so, 21, way too broke to be doing this, i've began looking into schools. mostly art schools but there is a none art school with an animation program that i've been looking at because it's way cheaper than literally all of the other schools on my radar. 

like scad. 

that school they all wanted me to go to, i'm now actually considering it. i'm actually considering being in debt for the rest of my worthless life just because i'm bored and i need something to do. anything. 

that is a fucking TERRIBLE reason to go to school. BUT, it's not just that. though that is like, unfortunately a big part of it. i can't teach myself art. everyone online says art school is a fucking waste of money because you can learn everything online. and i agree. except i am overwhelmed with all the options. and i don't know how to create a curriculum. or stick with it. i bought some art books. and some art courses. haven't finished a single course. barely started studying from a single book. i can't sit myself down to learn the things i want or teach myself the things i want to do. but if i had a teacher? i'd be forced to animate! i'd be forced to figure draw! i'd be forced to learn! it sounds great! i can't handle freedom. i can only function with deadlines and stakes. for the most part. there used to be a time where i could draw and animate all willy nilly. i don't know where that person is. i don't know why the left me with nothing but this husk to live in. plus, on top of that, college life forces me to exist as my own person!!!!!

god, it sounds miserable!!!!!!!!!!!

but it's SOMETHING. 

it's something for me to fucking do.

this one is way long. i didn't mean to make his one so long. but once this ends i'm probably gonna go back in to self destruct mode.

i couldn't self destruct in college though. i'd have too much work to do!!!! because that's how that works, right?