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edgy ventslop

i am not changing and no one can convince me. there is an unfortunate possibility that making people feel bad makes me feel good and if that is the case then im doomed! someone told me a lot of things i needed to hear and all it did was make me mad. i was laughing to myself joking about it and i didnt really listen to what they had to say. and its infuriating! cause all i do is vent and cry about my problems. youd think i want to change. but theres a chance i dont . i hate hurting people yet i am very very good at it! so maybe i do like it. i really hope not . sometimes it makes me mad that people care so much about me. they are usually saying "you didnt do anything wrong" or "youre just hurt" like no i am very aware of my actions and i am actively worsening them i am in fact the problem here. its funny cause when im alone ill complain about them not caring. "ohh so you hate me huh? you only wanna talk to me when you have no one else wow you suck" bitch Choose One. everyone i know deserves so much better. i am very hopeless and evil! care about someone else! someone empathetic . i am more uh patheticlol . and i have jealousy issues just forget about me honestly

but i was such a sweet person. people liked me and were excited to see me. i was social and cool! i actually felt sympathy And empathy! then in 2018 i got discord and became the biggest manipulator ever. its been like that ever since. Im not blaming discord or anything i only got it to talk to my friends . but i dont know what happened to me! i started hating myself and treating people like shit. mostly through a screen though . i rarely argue with people irl but whenever i did it resulted in me hitting them with no consequences. Or me crying. no one ever took me seriously when i lashed out anyways. they joked about it! which is okay. i dont blame them.

maybe i need to get beaten so i can understand that my actions do have consequences and are actively hurting everyone around me . because i look oblivious as fuck. i look careless and i look like i love arguing all the time. i hate it but i wont stop. i have no energy to change. i only get sad when im alone but i push everyone away like its so fucking complicated im not happy no matter what. So that is why i need to get beaten to a pulp thats the only way i can change someone send me to the hospital its not even a kink thing its just my last resort i gotta fall into a coma i deserve it holy shit

what if i just dont have any issues and its all in my head lol . like i can easily solve whats wrong but i just Dont. very frustrating . i think im giving up


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