im never gonna be ready for a relationship

i dated 1 person online a few years ago which was great until i pretty much left them for someone irl. i dated that person for 2 years and we were on and off until i forced them to get with someone else due to me being insecure and passive. i then broke them up sometime around this year which resulted in his life being totally ruined. he was cheating on his gf with me but i seriously cannot blame him because she was highkey manipulative. so was i when i dated him , though . there is no good guy in that situation. anyways sometime around june i dated someone else online. i kinda forced it because i didnt want them to leave me but i ended up liking it. i convinced myself i was ready for a relationship. everything was fine. overtime i started being more miserable about everything ever to my partner so i broke up with them 2 days ago so they could be happy without me.

i was friends with my first ex until christmas last year where they understandably left me due to us being unhealthy. my irl ex texted me an apology around the end of june. we are friends but it doesnt feel right. i know he hates me but he wont admit it. i literally forced him to be with someone then took her away. i ruined his life. like what does he need to apologize for? and my recent ex im trying not to talk to as much because i dont want to throw my misery onto them as much as i did. i literally broke up with them so they wouldnt have to worry about me. 

these 3 people were extremely sweet and i feel like i did nothing but emotionally abuse them all. maybe i never loved them in the first place. i thought i did. if i really did i wouldnt have done all of this to them. you dont hurt someone that many times and say "i love you". but i regret it so much! i wish i could take it all back. i wish i actually put in effort and  treated them with care. not abuse them. i abused all of them. its stuck with me forever. whats funny is that ive thought about trying again with them, but i do not think thatd be healthy. i feel selfish for missing them. i think i should just never date anyone again. ive only dated 1 guy irl and now hes diagnosed with depression. the other 2 worsened because of me as well. im never dating anyone again. i dont Need to. im better off being friends with benefits with some fucking stranger