7.31.25 - identity is annoying

This is stupid, really. Just dumb identity shit that doesn't even matter. Feel free to ignore this. Not that anybody's going to see this.

If you're reading this and you personally know me, I probably talked about you.

As much as I fucking hate labels, I feel like I need them. I know that's because I feel like I'm inconveniencing everyone by not having them. I like being girly, and I like being masculine. I was on testosterone. I say was, because I doing the gel daily, but I've been forgetting to do it every day for months. I kind of want to get back on the shots.

I wonder if I only like being girly and shit because I know I'm not going to pass as a guy right now. Or ever, probably. I think about giving up and just staying like this because it's convenient. Convenient for everybody except me.

My next stupid ramble is about names. I hate my legal name, which makes me feel guilty. I know why, but I don't know how to put it into words. I used to change my name super frequently between 2020 through 2024. It was frequent enough my friends seemed irritated with it every time. My mom got really annoyed every time too. Anyway. Picking names sucks. I currently use multiple. Currently my go-to is Ryan. I really like it, and it's honestly the most comfortable I've felt with a name before.

The problem? Literally nobody fucking uses it.

I have online friends who use it, and people I haven't talked to in ages use it. But my non-online friends and family? Nobody uses it. My friends all sort of told me the name kind of sucks, which hurt a bit. I can get over being told my name fucking sucks, dude. But at least respect it? I mean, like, shit dude. My boyfriend doesn't fucking use it either. My mom straight up told me that's the one name she doesn't want me using. I don't even remember why. I used to go by Ray for a while, but it got to a point where I hated that too. That's the name everybody fucking uses, too. Like shit, I give people like, five fucking options and they go for the worst one? I get it's convenient for people, but that doesn't even feel like my name anymore.

I want to use a different name for when I feel more girly. I really liked Leora. Got told that sucks too. At this point I don't really care. It's my fucking life and my name. I don't get why I'm even asking people their opinions on names I wanna use anymore.

I guess my biggest issue is the one name I've felt truly comfortable with getting disregarded. It's on every one of my fucking socials, it's right fucking there. I understand my mom has reasons for not wanting me to use Ryan as a name, but again. My fucking life. I'm mostly just upset that my closest friends and boyfriend don't use it. 

I've thought about just telling them all I don't go by Ray anymore. I feel like they still wouldn't listen. I could also just be telling myself that because I don't want to piss anybody off.

Moving on. It's so frustrating when I'm in public with like, my mom for example. Like just me and her, and she still calls me her daughter or uses she/her pronouns on me. At least when I'm not feeling too girly and whimsical. I've been out for six fucking years and it's still a problem?

Oh and literally anybody using they/them on me. That is literally the one set of pronouns and that's the one everyone defaults to. That's, again, something people know about. I gave up on correcting people when they use they/them on me like two years ago. I just don't think that's going to change.

Back tracking on my mom, it's really frustrating when she says 'my daughter' and then corrects herself with 'my child'. Like is son just... not option. I know it's probably not that deep but it feels so mean. I know that's not her intention but I kind of really hate it.

Everything is so stupidly inconvenient for me.

I might talk to my doctor about stopping testosterone. It's either too late or too early, I think. Maybe if it's too early then Ryan will get to come back out again.

This fucking sucks.