July

written on the 13th of July 2025, not published that day

I’m back everyone.

As I said last time, I am currently camping with my grandparents. Kinda fun.

I thrifted a bunch of old clothes you can classify as scene, which is the highlight of the month of July, excepting the mcr show we got yesterday (I wasn’t there for sure but I’ve seen videos and that was sick). 

The clandestine clothing line is (finally) selling the iconic red hoodie with the black bat on the front again. The problem is, $70 is already expensive and shipping it to France is even more expensive. And since I’m not a victim of capitalism, I’m going to thrift a red hoodie and then dye the logo myself. Will I ever do it and stop procrastinating ? I hope so.

In My latest blog entry I kinda turned into some poet and I still don’t know why. It was 5am, and I randomly thought I was some talented writer. Maybe I am ? Or maybe what I wrote is just extremely cringy, I’ll decide that later. 

Speaking of cringe culture, I finished reading A Splitting of the Mind on Ao3 (remember, I talked about it a few days ago and it’s a mcr fanfiction), and it was pure literature. Okay let’s ignore the explicit content and focus on the story itself which was pretty good. I won’t lie, I almost cried. Man where even is this fandom ? I know the fic ended in 2011, and I only found ONE artist who sometimes doodle things related to this story, and that’s how I discovered it by the way. 

I need to make my friend read this so we can talk about it, but they’re gonna hate my guts if I make them read something that depressing. Ugh. The characters are all so fucking doomed it actually hurts.

I bought a new sketchbook. I drew some stuff and then tried to paint a self portrait with watercolor.

Well. I think we look alike. Me and the painted paper. It’s messy, which makes it more realistic. I have trouble with styling my hair, shaving and taking care of myself in general.

That’s pretty ironic because I’m obsessed with hygiene in general. I shower a lot, but it’s not healthy. It’s not to take care of myself, it’s to distract my brain who keeps thinking that I’m rotting alive, or already dead. 

I feel dirty. My flesh, feels dirty. My organs, my bones, my skin, inside and out. I don’t know why. I just want to eat soap and use a sponge to give my guts an extra cleaning session. At some point of my life, I was so stressed I needed at least two showers a day and I washed my hair too often it started to fall out (boy lmao). 

What a waste of water, just letting my intrusive thoughts win over and over. That’s selfish when you think about it. Some people on earth are starving and thirsty, and here I have the ridiculous privilege of showering three times a day because my reflection in the mirror tells me I look like a disgusting corpse.

Someone told me this week that when I got on earth, some part of me stayed up there. As if I didn’t want to get reincarnated and was too scared of being trapped in a living body. I looked at them wondering how the hell they jumped into this conclusion without me telling them about my situation. Guess I am extremely predictable and/or believe everything that accidentally hits too close to home but I like to imagine that this person was right. 

It could explain a lot of things.