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I wanted to borrow paper, thought I'd use my old journal. One thing led to another... I reread, relived, everything from every entry. Some entries I skipped to avoid reliving.
Dude, all I ever talked about was starving myself, kms-ing, wanting to be a pr*st*t*te, and a just more fucked shit that I shouldn't have been thinking about much less writing about. And it gave me the epiphany.
Is it normal to tie my gender to trauma? Is this why I so badly want to be a boy? So that I can shed the rotting skin of who I was in those diary entries from high school?
I don't think it's the only reason, I can name so so so SO many other reasons, but this feels like a reason that I haven't looked so dead in the eye. Rereading these entries, it appears all I cared about was shallow things like profiting off my appearance and starving myself thin to appease the men preying on me. And all that focus on such awful things ended up wasting my youth away.
I never learned any talents or picked up hobbies, I didn't study much or go make friends my age. I wasted my life. I wasted so much time. And I can't get it back, and I hate to say it but it really feels like it was all my fault.
And I guess being a boy, doing my best to dress masc, it keeps me confident in a way. It keeps me grounded to where I am and who I am and what I want to be in the future. (How dramatic, I'm aware) I'll probably elaborate later. I've already typed so much. I just wanted to vent about my trauma diary from highschool :P
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Sticky
And I do recognize that sometimes, I do fall back into old habits. Sometimes things go wrong, and I fall back into seriously unhealthy habits. Like the food thing and the wound stuff. But tbh those thoughts and actions aren't so frequent as they once were, and I do hope to one day stop doing that shit altogether. I'll find a better way to handle things, I'm getting better by the day I think :/