Internet Diary 43#

I forgot how gender identity and gender expression are two different things and not the same thing and that I didn’t understand what genderqueer actually meant.

Yeah, I thought I knew what it meant but it turns out I was wrong.

Genuinely I forgot how a dude doesn’t need to be masculine to be a guy and it doesn’t make you any less of a guy when you do like to be feminine.

I feel like a fucking idiot.

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Oh yeah, here’s a short story where I got kinda jealous and sad at the time

This story happened a bit long ago when I was still a sophomore, basically me and my friend were walking and we passed by our school nurse and like she told my friend about how it was trans awareness week or something like that and that she supported him and I just got kinda sad and jealous about it.

My friend has been out since we were freshman and he was more open to talking about it when he would come out to others, so of course this would mean he would have more support then me since I have a even more hard time of coming out to others because of the fear that they would tell my dad even if I asked for them to not too.

But anyways, I just wished that people could notice the discomfort I feel with my sex and could give at least some sort of support to me like how the school nurse did with him.

He isn’t the only person I’m friends with that I’m jealous of, my friend Kody has accepting parents and I just wished that I could have that too. 

But also at the same time I’m really jealous of him about pretty much everything and anything he can do, I’m not letting that jealousy get ahold of me to the point of hurting him because he seems like he can have everything he needs and wants though. 

I’m his friend because I actually enjoy whenever he is around and I always wanted a friend like him.

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Today while my brother and dad were going shopping and also got dinner along the way, I was able to grab my old dirty chest binder and put it in my dirty laundry under all my dirty clothes.

Knowing me, once it’s cleaned I’ll be wearing it and try to not give a fuck about what my dad says whenever I do wear it inside the house .

I know I’m taking a big risk but also at the same time I think he knows about it already and hasn’t told me that he knew.

Oh yeah

So whenever I can legally change my name I’ll change it too Lucas, I think Lucas Rapp sounds better then Lucian Rapp and also sounds like a name you would hear outside and not just online.

I don’t mind if people were to call me Lucian still since I find it as a fun name to be called, I just appreciate it whenever someone doesn’t call me by my deadname.