Empty Body

I can no longer feel pleasure for leaving my house, even though I know I'll be better off outside than inside. I also loved to read, but I can't even open a book anymore. Before, I just stayed home and slept to forget I was home, but nowadays at least I can watch TV and play games, besides sleeping. But I constantly feel sad, I feel like life has nothing for me anymore. I only felt genuine happiness and a little hope in life when I was with two people I love; at home/with my parents I only feel an immense sadness and a feeling that life isn't worth living, which is a shame because obviously I spend >much< more time with people who bring me these bad feelings than with those who bring me good feelings. I like to think that I just need to wait a little longer until I'm old enough to detach myself from them, and then maybe life will be easier, since in the few moments I'm with people I choose, I can feel a little happiness and hope in life, as I said before. Maybe when I have the autonomy to make these moments last longer and the moments with my parents where I feel bad last less, life will be better.

I'm currently living for the future (which is kind of ironic because I've spent my whole life trying to escape the future). The present has absolutely nothing to offer me, and there's nothing I can do to change that since I have no autonomy. So all I can do is try to endure the present, holding on to the hope that better days are ahead.

Regarding those two people I love and mentioned earlier, I want to, but I don't want to see them anymore. Leaving the house is already so difficult, doing the things I love has become a chore, I don't want to do anything that brings me joy anymore, and I don't know why. But at least that has improved. I think I mentioned before that I used to just spend my days following my mother's orders and sleeping; now at least I can play games and watch TV. I still miss reading and, above all, being with people who make me feel good.

I always feel tired, wanting everything to end soon, as if I have nothing left in life (also a feeling of emptiness). It's not physical tiredness, but the psychologist explained about this psychological fatigue, which is different from physical fatigue because with physical fatigue I could sleep and it would pass, but the mental exhaustion I feel doesn't improve with sleep or good nutrition. It's like I'm just existing for the sake of existing, just a soulless body walking around carrying an endless sadness and hopelessness.