now that its july, imma talk about the year and how i feel so far.

i have a lil bit on here, and im sorry i havent made as much blogs this year so far. 

one word i can use to describe this year is

lost.

and it sounds sad, maybe it is. but the other word i can describe this year is

change. 

so this school im currently at i have to stay for the rest of my highschool time. just...because i dont think i can go through it all again. So, compared to last year? this year as been great. and 14 yr old me would be so grateful. but im still kinda lonely, lol. especially at school. i dont really have any friends. even tho everyone is nice to me (even the guys i actually despise), i dont rlly talk to anyone. im so happy i have my friends over discord, and that we meet up over the holidays. i know myself better than ever and im not constantly horrifically terrified of my family anymore. not becuase ive changed my opinions on them, just becuase im not nearing a mental break constantly and its been more than a year since the incident that changed everything. but am i happy? like, i know i dont have to be constantly happy. its a bit weird. cuz, im not unhappy. there are things i know could make my life better. if i could be able to transition, even with just t then maybe i could be a bit happier. if i had someone who i could talk to at school then i could probably be happier as well. but thats been a thing for like... years. so clearly thats not the main issue here. it wasnt until last week i realised what it was. Im lost. im not unhappy or sad or crippingly lonely constantly. i have friends. but i have no idea where im going, what im supposed to be doing and where to go next. every goal that i have feels a bit meaningless, for one its always too far away. i also fear that with the world getting worse that ill never be able to achieve those things. what if im dead before any of that happens? and... i dont want to think about the future. i cant accept it. 

i feel like the little nightmares kids lol. im just moving forward, hoping to find safety in something along the way. its so cold and i barely have enough clothes to keep me warm. i hate it here.