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the title sums it up entirely lol.
why the hell am i making an entire blog post dedicated to a situation that can be summed up in one sentence!?
i don't know. i am just. not knowing of much right now.
my brain is fried. like really doesn't work that well anymore. has it ever worked well is a mystery to me. i've always been a little not right in the head. even when i was a kid. i was off. just a little weirdo. but most kids are little weirdoes right? but you're supposed to grow out of it and be normal. but i didn't. and 21 and there's still too much wrong with me like i'm some fucked up messed up little kid.
what does that have to do with the topic at hand? everything, actually!
lately i've been i dunno, out of it surprisngly more than usual. i didn't even know that was possible. i thought i peaked at that already but nope. it continues to get worse like everything else. that's the main problem here i guess. and the other thing i'll mention in one second. i'm so messed. somethings really wrong with me. i am just not a person. i dont feel like one. i feel like a dead body walking around in an alive person. i can't really enjoy much because i only see the negative in just about everything. i can't even do simple things that are meant to be fun like play video games because i don't want to fail or be bad at it. everything has to be perfect but nothing is perfect and if i can't be good at everything then what's the point. i assume that's what my brain thinks about these things, i'm not really sure. basically i just see the bad in everything in my life. everything is stressing me out. everything is overwhelming me. everything is too much. there's too much i need to do that i don't know how to do or when to start or how to start and all that. it's like i've just given up and shut down because i can't do anything. i'm not like normal people who can do things and it not be such a hassle. normal things. just normal things. why can't i be normal?
then. the other thing. which is what this was actually gonna be about. i've becoming extremely unhealthily obsessed with so many things i don't have. like for example the phone i really want; the mive style folder/2. i like it. a lot. to an extremely ridiculous degree. i will go online and just stare at pictures and videos of it and dream of a life where i have that phone. and me not having that phone adds to my misery. i am already depressed enough. but no. i had to go on and add to it! this has been happening with random other materialistic things i cant afford. i will go eyeball shopping. look at tons and tons of things i don't have and think of all the things i'd do if i did. but i don't. so i get extremely depressed about it, yet continue to look. look at all the people who have money. that have actual real lives and do things that get them what they want. i can't do that. why? why do i bomb evey interview? why can't i get hired? why don't i have the drive to chase after my dreams like everyone else does?
social media. just tearing me to shreds lately. i go on there and then i'm struck with the wrst of it. the srtists. the artists with more skill. the artists with friends. the artists with lives outside of their art. the artists making money off their art. the artists working the types of industry i wish i could work in. the artists. the artists that are better than me. i can't help but stare. scroll through their accounts. go look at their shops and see the cute things they sell that i can't afford and that i can't make myself because i don't have the money for materials. that's been a big one too. looking at all sorts of things i want to make but can't i don't have the materials.
basically that's all it's been lately. the only thing, and this is BARELY an exaggeration, i have been able to think about for-honestly, most of the year, is everything i DON'T HAVE. everywhere i am NOT at. every person i'll NEVER meet. things like that. that's it. i don't live in the present. not at all. if i'm alone with my thoughts for even the slightest second, into my daydreams i go! yeah, that hasn't gotten better. still as bad as usual.
anyways, i already journaled about this. didn't do jack shit because journaling doesn't fucking work. not for me at least. i feel nothing when i journal. i write down my stupid feelings, the same shit i feel every fucking day and i'll right back into it all again. doesn't do anything. nothing does anything for me.
not even this.
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✮Z1RKRON✮
As a person who just started to feel "real" after years of just attributing all of my personality traits to things I stole from my friends, or accomplishments, since it made me feel human, it's taken a while but I tried to learn to be less hard on myself with anything, it's better said than done obvious, but keeping in mind that the fear of being bad is engrained in practically all of us.
I don't really know what words would reach you the best, but everyone's going at a different pace. Like I'm in college and I had a roommate who was a politics major and like could speak another language and was heading to Spain cus they got accepted in a going abroad program and they worked at non-profits while I was just a chemistry major who gets panic attacks from looking at job-related things and/checking my emails. And even then, I wasn't even "good" at chemistry compared to my peers who would get internships at like NIH and stuff, but I'm getting off track with this anecdote.
I talked to them for once, about stuff, how their life looks like it's all falling into place, and they practically laughed at me, despite everything, they were wading through their own problems, teachers not grading things till the last minute, the abroad trip nearly falling apart due to mismanagement, work being so hard they had to call their mom for support. And for my chemistry peers, they had their own things they struggled with, it's hard to see since everyone tends to put their best foot forward when they're on social media or just outside. But it's important to focus on yourself and not try and compare yourself to others because their path is just not yours. Like I'm sure for a lot of the people my family introduces me to, they see me as some put-together 19-year-old youth when mentally, I've hit rock bottom way too many times and tried to not be here due to me feeling inhuman cus I'm a the worst part of the phrase "jack of all trades, master of nothing" cus I don't have many skills I can be proud of and I've mastered nothing. But if it's alls nothing, doesn't that like mean you could just do anything cus when there's always going to be an ever-present flow of supposed "better people" who are alive, dead or somehow don't exist yet?
As an artist myself, art styles and the way people develop their styles are unique to each person. The way I draw started from entirely different roots from how someone else draws, and I practice drawing entirely differently from how another person practices. Plus, from experience, your mind tends to be your worst critic. Many a time, I looked at a piece I made where I got tunnel visioned to show it to someone else, and they thought it looked fine the way it was. Or how I would rip my work to shreds because it couldn't match the ever-shifting pic in my mind, to take a break from art and come back to the ref image, rebreak it down, and realize the only difference my drawing had from the reference was just me misunderstanding a bit in how their skeleton was. Art is subjective and is mostly on the emotion you invoke, even if that emotion is only in yourself
Usually, when I'm in that mood of hating everything I do or draw, I shut the world out and just scribble in pen and live with the mistakes I make as I try and draw and keep in mind that no one can see it and there's no audience unless I decide to show it to someone and try and take that mindset with other things. Draw for yourself, even if you don't know what that feels like right now, do things for yourself, make a simple dish, but you added/removed one ingredient or were rushing through the prep stage and forgot something but improvise because you're already here and the spices are already there and there's no like metaphysical pause game over screen so you're free to make of what happened to the best of your ability and even if there was nothing it was still the best you can do.
In other words, try and operate on the art for art's sake, live for life's sake, do things because you can, and whoever gets on you for trying sucks.
Sorry for like the mega bunch of run-on sentences, I'm not good at writing, but I really wanna try, if something's not cohesive, please tell me so I could like elaborate