I HAVE A MILLION THINGS ON MY MIND (Maybe I will post them here)

I would not where to begin on this, but I feel being honest and writing things out that I want to get rid of inside me by talking about it is healthy. 

I think this one made me see things (today I been thinking about the past) 

Just how people are different and let things run them down in life taking away their personality and umph if you will. I feel people get to a point (people from my past mostly) where they get set in stone and think "this is it, this is how its always going to be". Some might think I am rude for being so honest lately but in all honesty. A big part of them is afraid to leave their little world behind not even realizing there is a whole world to have adventures in. For one person, that has this attitude blows my mind. How do you not wanna see different things than the everyday life you have then wonder why its boring........................... 

I will never wrap my mind around it nor do I fking want too. If people wanna do nothing never see the world. Get paid one time every month. Than have fking at it. Then only person losing in life is you!! I wish some of my friends from the past take the dirty wool off their eyes and see there is a whole world waiting for them to dive into it. They would or will make a million things up as to why they are not able to leave blah blah. BS to make themselves feel better and to semi fool you. And mostly importantly they just wanna fool themselves. They don't wanna hear the truth word for word slapping them with it. They would rather be in their bubble never seeing anything then the everyday shit they see. Like oh wow you walked down a different street today. Big whoop you want some prize? No one gives a f. Lol. JUST BEING HONEST! I just wanna see people go "Oh wow holy sh!t I am living life and having a lot of fun doing it". I mean they fool themselves into thinking this is good enough. A lot of my friends in the past all they wanted to do is sit around and look at lame dry humor TikTok videos all day. To me that is lazy and just disgusting like find a hobbie..besides like dumb videos that have no merit in you're everyday life. Not even that if they aren't doing that they are alright with waiting until the end of the month to get paid one time and do it all over again. Most of my friends from my past are literally super lazy, they dont even wanna do anything to make extra $ and they are always like "I don't know how to make any money" I guess you wouldn't if your waiting for someone else to give your fking hand out. I honestly the older I get I am just grossed out by people with NO goals not even like a small minor goal like I am gonna work on jogging today or make a meal I haven't. SIMPLETONS. I am sorry I am not above anyone by having a little opinion. If your getting offended by this, thinking that. Ask yourself why? Maybe I am hitting a nerve? 

Listen, not everyone is OK with just sitting inside all day. Most people got some goals of sorts. Sadly, I was too ill to realize my worth before. Not even seeing wow I am going down the same path as you just by being around you. It rubs off on you. Don't think it doesn't. 

I got to a point where its like fk that. I want fun people in my life. Then I think to myself how exhausting humans are and I am like hmmmmmm that was a good idea in that moment (just like now) saying ahhhhh I might want fun people in my life but for a short period of time. Learn your damn boundaries people. Listen, I never got that about former friends...I am on a rant roll now...lol.. 

I get I am a lot of fun and I tell some good jokes :P yes!! But however, I do like alone time. I don't want a girl or guy hell even a friend to be up my a** all day. I think those mind frames are from people who are just immature hate to say it. 

I always used to get pissed at my former friends its like you had me for 10 hours or more today then even remotely get offended when I am like "heyy I just need some me time" no no, that is unhealthy and you are over stepping your shit with that. That's a good way to push someone away. I don't mind talking on the phone for awhile sure if I am home alone and wanna talk sure. That is my favorite thing I guess. When I am alone I am able to give the full me in a right mind frame on the phone. I guess I just had people in my life at one point wanted my time all day very sweet sure. :) makes you feel good too. It sure did me. But it got to a point its like ohh wah big baby you will see me tomorrow or talk to me on the phone then. I am not able to handle people who are my age or even a few years younger never give me time to myself. That is unhealthy. I will be you're pair of ears if you need someone to listen. Hell maybe even give some good honest ideas that might help you in a time of need :) I don't mind doing that at all! But I need time for myself. Not everyone lived a life like you were they had kids. And your time is now being filled with that. I hate that from people who are parents get pissy at me Like why arent you hanging out with me long enough wahh like damn baby's! LOL! But its sweet to think about it, like how great they want my attention that badly but there is a limit to where it gets totally unhealthy and if anything you push friends away by doing that. Like take a fking hint. I don't wanna talk. G*d forbid you be honest with them....and tell them you have anxiety and sometimes being alone is a good way to fight through it yourself without stowing upon your problems/anxiety onto to someone else. That's just me though, not everyone thinks like that you know? I look at some of my former friends and the good memories we had together. Sure, at times they were more than unhealthy for my mind frame at the time, but there was a lot of good memories I guess that out weight the bad :) I am happy for that, those memories do bring me a lot of joy. 

I think I am growing up realizing my value and worth and how I wanna hang around people that think like me. Sorry to say but I don't wanna hangout with fk ups who lost at life and now i am their main focus in life. No, I should be one of them and someone to take your mind off things like any friend. But I feel some of my former friends in the past would always push it then make me feel really bad for just saying something as simple as "Hey, not in a good mood today I need some alone time hope that is ok". They take it wrong no matter what. I am tired of big, grown adults that are being big fking babies about it. iiiii 

Thank the lawwwwwwwd I found the light and have new goals.I don't wanna hangout with losers who lost at life and are now mad at me because I am over here shining doing my goals. SLOWLY doing them. Hell they don't ever happen over night. 


Odd, some of my friends were "fake supportive". Tell me things like amoung the lines of "I wanna see you kill these goals" push comes to shove I kill them, they secretly seeth and sadly don't even hide it. Which I am glad they don't I am glad their envy and jealousy reeks out into their face reactions so I am able to truly see them for the fake f they are. True friends don't do that. Oh, and I will alwayssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss remember who wanted to donate to my first movie fundraiser and who didn't YUP! It is obvious my old former friends never donated even though complete strangers and a few family members did but my "super close friends" never donated even a $1! I know why i am not some idiot. If you don't donate I don't hit my goal and you would rather see me stuck like you so I am no longer a threat. Thinking like that geez no wonder you will be in my rear view mirror doing sh!t like that. Makes a friend like me go ahhhh great I am glad your showing your true colours. And also them not donating is a huge sign of what I wrote and/they don't believe in you. Or wanna see your dreams come true. Just like people you're friends ever notice if you have a YouTube and you tell your friends you need more subs. And they don't. It's simple. :) they don't wanna see you grow. They dont wanna be apart of the story or help. Its little things like that, that tell you A LOT In the long run. They wanna see you stuck. By not joining your YouTube and subbing they know the numbers stay low. It's simple people one hit of a button. If they don't wanna do that they are not truly your friend. Don't even waste a moment, just drop them. They wanna see you stuck. They dont wanna see you kill and get your dreams when they never had any to begin with <3 no wonder their jealous *nail emoji hurrrr* hyd! 

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