depression, isolation, ygo

It's weird to look at my profile now because it feels like it was written/created by a completely different person. Oddly, that's reassuring because it gives me some hope that this might not be who I am forever. 

I don't want to be alone, but nothing really brings me joy and all I'm motivated to do is sleep. The stark difference between how I was at the time I set up my page and how I am now also gives me reason to want to distance myself - because I'm not myself. I don't want this to be the version of me that people see and know and think is real.

But it is real, isn't it? And I'm the one doing all these things.

I hate how selfish depression is, how much it forces one to think of nothing but their own pain and emptiness. I don't want that, I want to be able to do good for other people. They don't deserve to be subjected to whatever I'm going through, they're just trying to have a good time.

Relapse is hard because even though you know you got better before so you could theoretically get better again, the regression and loss of things that you thought were finally within your grasp can be soul-crushing. I'm afraid of driving everyone in the one community space I finally found and felt accepted in away and coming off as a dramatic, malingering attention-seeker if I keep going in this state, but I'm also afraid that if I step away everyone will have moved on by the time I'm finally better.

Maybe this is dumb to post, but I hope it doesn't sound like I'm just complaining and that maybe someone can relate to it. I don't know.

I'm terrified of not being able to keep up with everyone else, not being able to get good enough quickly enough to create things that are worthy and interesting enough to warrant an invitation into people's circles. Part of me knows that thought isn't good, but it's hard to make it not real right now. I'm trying. Since I began to decline around a year ago, I've been trying hard to maintain an outward version of myself that doesn't reflect my inner state - a version that's acceptable and recognizable. Unfortunately, I'm recognizing that I've regressed to the point where this has taken over so much of my mind that I can't be that lady anymore. I don't think it's appropriate any longer to exist in the one community space I had. At least for the time being.

I've had to log out of Ao3 because certain fandoms and tags had become triggering to the point of making me physically nauseous lol. Writing that actually made me smile because it's so stupid XD. I tried using a skin to block them, but I'd still be tempted to torture myself by looking in an incognito window. For some reason. Why am I like this?? Being logged out has served as a far better deterrent, at least. 

As things are currently, I'm thinking of at least leaving Discord but I know I shouldn't make that judgment until I'm of sound mind. I'm just so ashamed at the horrible

EDIT: 

(April 2026)

Wow. Apparently this was the last blog I wrote. It seems I didn't finish it, but I have no idea where it was supposed to go from there. I suppose I was going to mention something about Yu-Gi-Oh since it's in the title? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

This definitely doesn't reflect my current state of mind, but it is something I felt and went through and came out of. I also recorded a video during that episode. 

(Just in case, I want to be clear that I don't see or want this to be taken as a healthy way of thinking about oneself or others. I think you can even kind of tell in the things I was saying that I was grappling with what I knew to be right vs what mental illness was causing me to feel and believe)

Mostly I decided to make this public because I wanted to say that I'm doing okay now, and to show that it isn't forever even when depression makes it seem like the end. 

<3