My friend

Had a nasty panic/anxiety attack recently when my friend vented to me where he only added someone 9 days ago but was already upset that they blocked him and flaked out on their plans to meet up irl 3 months from now without saying anything to him. It scared me because he was already upset over meeting and talking to some people for just 9 days, yet we have been friends for 3 years ish now and sometimes it's a struggle to open him up sometimes, or at least it feels like that. Eventually I got him to finally say I'm a good friend to him after all these years, which I've been dying to know if I was even a close friend or not to him bc some stuff he's hard to read about and he doesn't really discuss that kind of stuff with me alot. Well, I also asked about if he would always keep me around as a friend for a really long time and was met with answers that felt kind of dodgy with stuff like "idk I'm not able to see in the future" and that kind of stuff, which hurts because if I was asked that I would have said something like "you're one of my best friends have, ofc you're gonna be here with me until you get bored of me." or something. This hurts pretty bad since he's basically one of the very last people who even messages me daily anymore, and yknow, having spent all this time together, he's the closest friend I have, I got like 2 others that even reply anymore. The worry about it stems from my prior besties I've had who all moved on from me basically dropping me bc the game we had in common died. 

Making it worse, I panicked and in a moment of weakness I let out that i kinda love him. I'm not gay or anything for dudes, but like, he's a different type. He's basically me in terms of general upbringing, what we grew up with, and opinions and etc etc even personalities are closely related, only difference is his body is obviously different, and he's not stupid and shit at games like I am, he's smart about alot of stuff and carries me anytime we play and helps me when I get mad at something that happens that's dumb. So I can't help it but like him and on top of that he's kinda femboyish/girly so it made it a bit easier for me to gain a liking to him. Anyways he ended up giving me semi non direct answers until he finally gave me a hard no, which sucks because I asked if he would ever see it as a possibility to one day maybe gain even a tinge of like for me. This one has shattered my heart badly. If it was anyone else then it wouldn't be as bad but he's not only my closest friend but he's the nicest person I've met in years, likely the nicest ever because he's never gotten mad at me, only slightly annoyed sometimes. When I'm sad, he may not directly comfort me with words and stuff but he does go out of his way even when he's in his shell to chat some and maybe do a game or something, which is alot bc he normally is pretty introverted like a bit more than me. Worse is i think I got annoying about it because obviously hearing a "not a chance" but worded differently hurts like fuck, especially since it was a moment where i exposed my emotions and feelings which I dont do alot, so it's like putting a hamster in front of the death star. I just hoped he would let me at least live with an answer like "idk the future but maybe someday theres a chance" or idk. My life has been total shit recently and ofc this is just one more thing to fucking add to it. So tired of this kind of shit. I just feel like dropping dead at this point bc so much shit keeps breaking around me and everything just seems so unstable due to family issues and the house i was at being destroyed and now this.

Idk I just dunno what to do anymore. Think I'm just going to lay in this shitty "bed" and hope I finally don't wake up bc so over all of everything going on. Ik people say the cringe cliche "I'll never meet anyone like him again" but this is one of those times where I think it's a genuine use of that because I've never met someone as cool and easy to get along with as him. He's one year younger than me so we grew up with the same shit online because we both live in rural areas without much so the internet was something we both ended up crutching on, and we know of the same kind of stuff on there, did the same games, etc. Can't just meet someone who grew up like that, and is as good at games as he is, played destiny growing up, watched anime like I did, likes the same humor, is a kinda femboyish person so it's easy to let myself loose around him and he acts cute asf, and other stuff. Idk how to fully describe but I do mean it he's literally just me but a different body. Idk. I'm tired. I just want to be happy with him laying on his lap as he comforts me from all my prior life shit. Poke. Boop.