free will

it's been over 130 days (4 months and change) since i really began to walk the path to address my relational issues. it's been 6 and a half months since i quit nicotine. 20 days ago i lapsed on my bottom line behaviors in SLAA and reset my day counter, the day after i wrote a piece, "on being ready," an ironic twist of fate.
(on being ready)

i've written a bit on how it's my choice to stay sober and off my bottom lines. but is it, really? am i predisposed to certain actions, and maybe even destined towards them?

suppose i have free will. that means i'm choosing, right now, to stay sober; to write this blog; to listen to Alkaline Trio while i sit in a café and drink this matcha. it means i choose to engage with my friends and family; to walk, take a bus, or call an Uber; to show up for work or call off. that all sounds lovely. it's empowering. it informs me that i'm the arbiter of my own path. the philosophy of Satanism would encourage and celebrate this as fact. it means i have full autonomy. right?

suppose i don't have free will. there are biological, psychological, social, chemical, physical, and atomical factors that determine each of my actions. i'm conditioned from before conception to respond or react to certain stimuli, and predestined by evolution to respond or react to others; as a sperm cell, my only job was to merge with an egg, and here i am as a result, over 34 years later. my biological imperative is to survive, my psychological motive is to feel good, a social contract keeps me adjusted to my communities, my chemical makeup determines attraction or rejection to different sensory inputs, my physical body has a genetic clock that will expire one way or another, and the atoms that make up "me" are acting in extremely predictable ways. in fact, if my atoms were split, i'd be vaporized and set a shockwave in motion. all of these factors are chartable. there's a mentalist experiment that seems to indicate that most people, when prompted with simple questions, will unconsciously link the color red with a hammer.

i'm a bit of a determinist. i look at the Universe as a series of predictable, although not completely understood, chain reactions. some people would say it was either God or the Big Bang that set this on its course. to subscribe to either view is to say one believes in fate. there are mathematical and scientific reasons underlying everything, and through research and study, we uncover more and more evidence that seems to point to everything as being a cosmic accident destined toward the inevitable collapse of the Universe.

if you've ever tried to meditate, simply don't think. sit in complete silence, inside and out. can you? probably not. even if you achieve some level of quiet, it won't last long. the human mind wants to fill the empty space by processing information. thoughts will come and go, and a seasoned meditator will "swipe away" the thoughts in an attempt to shut them down. but they will return. even the most devout monks still think when trying not to. it's out of their control. right?

i'm an atheist, shouldn't i believe in free will? if there's no God, no "Book of Fate," then i'm able to make my own choices, aren't i? no, i don't think so. but i'm not really worried about it. i don't really have any choice but to accept this.

so, does this even matter? if you believe you have free will, aren't you just conditioned to do so? if i claim to surrender to fate, is that my choice? i don't think humanity will ever have a definitive answer. i'm not a scientist or a psychologist. i'm an Internet philosopher who makes memes and works in substance use counseling, and sometimes i play music or write blogs. what do i really know? remember: i'm a brain in a jar. the aliens and Satan told me so.
(aliens, acid, and the nature of "reality")

i choose to believe i don't have free will, but you are predestined to believe you've got it.