Just like the movies.

Blog ~ Diary 

Just like the movies.

7/24/25

This covers fairly sensitive content about my fears of abandonment through the eyes of a 15 year old.

 Yesterday I took it upon myself to do something different. Meet new people. OF COURSE with my friends along with way to come and embark on this experience with me we decided to go see a musical! HELLS KITCHEN! It was..interesting.. it had great songs but the plot was all over the place. SPEAKING OF PLOT!! 

 My life has been feeling like it was straight out of a dark comedy in which the main character is getting butt-fucked by the world left and right and is in absolute no control of what they can and will do. It's scary but it's been fine with my friends along the way. Only that this "raunchy dark coming of age" story decided to sprinkle hints of romance towards people i actually DON'T want to be romantically interested in. My friends. I don't know but the idea of them communicating with other people that remind them of me makes me feel..confused? Not jealous but not content with what they're doing anyway. It's like I'm watching them replace me infront of my eyes in every other universe out there and it's my job to prevent it from happening in this one. Maybe because I don't want to see them go. I don't know if I'm jealous or scared. Scared they'll see a little bit extra in someone that they don't see in me. Scared that I'll become another face in the hallway, burning under the rays of everyone elses greatness. Suffering forever to become the product of ash. A pile of ash. Each spec representing the outweighing factors that didn't fit what my friends were looking for. What they found in someone else. I can see it happening very soon. Like a premonition that is waiting to happen yet I don't know when, how, who will be the next me but I just know the outcome. I feel selfish. Selfish for taking my friends love for granted. Selfish for watching the clock ticking by as my phone stays dry. The movies highlight teen loneliness to be solely romantic but nobody talks about the disconsolate feeling when the only 3 friends you talk to have 17 other friends that they spend time with. It eliminates the feeling of confidence immediately. All of the ego that stores at the top of my head turns into liquid sweat dripping down and seeping into the corners of my brain-- turning each thought I have into instant turmoil. It's teenage insecurity and abandoment issues transformed into fear and confusion. The confusion being if I'm in love with my friend of course, or, if I'm just overprotective because I fear he might leave me like the rest. Who knows? Maybe his loss is necessary. Maybe I'm just a chronic overthinker.  Maybe they love me. Maybe my thoughts do more harm then them. Maybe this is all a hoax by the universe to make me appericate what I have while I have it. I don't know why, but throughout each and everyday every single interaction I have with my friends feels like a constant ticking time bomb. Every moment that passes is one moment until that new person gets introduced. Every moment that passes is one more scorch of flame that inevitably burns me into that pile of ash. Every moment that passes is one more second until I get replaced. 

  This is going to sound stupid. Well if you read the last three sentences then I guess it'll be just another one but..Pancake. We love them right? They are soft and buttery. Despite my name being "Waffle" I HATE waffles. I think they are too thick and doughy and not simple enough for my mouth to enjoy. The amount of effort that goes into cutting a slice is too much compared to pancakes. But I love the name Waffle. It's what I go by online. But pancakes. Everyone loves Pancakes. Now you're probably thinking.."Waffle why the fuck are you talking about Pancakes? Weren't you just talking about your greatest fears?" To that my friend I have to say..Pancake. Trapped in a little glass case deep inside my brain, behind the waves and pools of liquidated self-esteem and awkward memories lies Pancake. Pancake is everything I wish to be. Pancake is full of the right amount of humor and emotional intelligence. Long lavish hair that is suitable for male and female presentation. Intelligence and beauty. A face that wows people when they look at them. A blinding sense of self. Skin that gleams even without being shone in light. Maturity in the right places, so I blend in with all the other kids at school. All the right things so I blend in with all the other kids at school. A normal functioning brain that doesn't have twisted thoughts that infiltrate my brain every 3 seconds. A side to them that they don't have to hide when they meet someone new. A perfect me. But there I am. Trapped on another planet, orbiting further away with each day. I used to pine for that day where I would arrive. I always said I would smash the glass case with every day I spent wishing that was me. Crawl inside of its smooth skin body and live inside the body of anothery. But deep inside I won't be pancake. I'll still be Waffle in the skin of someone else. I'll still be that kid in the back of class who isn't exactly in a clique, but doesn't wish to be with the popular kids either. I'll still be that kid who will live to embarrass themselves in the hallway and think about it two days later. I'll still be that kid feeding compliments to the storm, but containing that fire for something greater. Something like winning a writing award, or solving a good puzzle. Because I'll always be myself. And no matter what, that's the best part of pancake. The fact Waffle will always shine through their hollow skin, morphing back into me. 

 No matter who you try to become, you'll always be yourself at the end of the day. You'll always be Alice no matter how much you try to become Megan. You'll always be Olive no matter how much you try to become Briana. You can cover yourself with your blanket all you want but that real you..that TRUE you will always peek out from under. 

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Okay, that concludes todays yap session/blog if you came this far DM me a strawberry or kudo or comment! If you have any feedback or anything my DMS are always open. ONWARDS AND OUT!!