midnight rambles

contrary to popular belief i'm actually trying really hard not to relapse. so i'm trying to distract myself. hence why i'm typing this.

i'm awfully sad tonight. my best friend was with her boyfriend again today and my online friends live close to each other and hung out and i'm in a totally different country. i just kinda wish people wanted to hang out with me. i don't think i'm always the one asking people to hang out but the only people that ask me to hang out are like two people, one being my best friend.

i'm afraid i'm in love with that girl. not actually, i don't think i could ever bring myself to love someone like that, but i might as well be. she's the patrick to my pete, as much as i wanna be patrick. i wish i wasn't myself. i wish i was a 6 foot something, lively, pinstripe wearing man that knew a lot about music and can strike up a conversation with anyone i meet. but i'm not. i'm some stodgy 5 foot nothing teenage girl with such crippling social anxiety the only places she goes are school and her doctor's office for different meds. i'm not a girl, but i am so sick of thinking of that that i'm just gonna ignore it altogether.

i want so desperately to be something. i have so many idols that are all too similar. rocky history with drugs and their mental health, found themselves in music, then either died or got fixed. i don't think i'm ever going to get fixed. not even my best friend could do that. sometimes i think we worsen each other, but then i realize that's kinda what i want. then i feel bad for dragging her into my self-loathing-zoloft-induces debacles. she deserves the world. i, unfortunately, am just not that, and she will realize it in time.

one day i'm going to die. that is something i think no one is capable of coming to terms with because no one has felt it before. although, i've never felt love, yet do i think it's real? somewhat. i think love is conditional whether you say it isn't or not. everyone is just lying to themselves to get by.