hi everyone (i like what i like and i love what i like) chapter 1

hi everyone

its time to share my thoughts and various opinions

i would like to share some introspection before beginning discussing my various thoughts because i think its important to understand the author and the authors perspectives when analyzing writing. to begin i have two cats. recently lost my best friend to being stupid and also crystal meth. still alive and kicking maybe honestly dont know. i valued her presence in my life like nobodys business but alas that relationship is over and i am rebuilding my personal brand and rerouting all thoughts towards bettering myself and moving on past the bullshit that became my existence. i have begun to pour myself into books and braindead tv shows (gossip girl to be specific) and lost myself in the obsession of media instead of dealing with the issues in my own life. now that the biggest issue has left in a pretty big way its time to use all of this data that i have collected and think critically on it and turn it into something useful. what is that usefulness? becoming jenna motherfucking hamilton from awkward (hi mom) and we can only go up from here. maybe. im not here to whine about my problems because my problems are all gone. there is nothing fun or cool about being sad. you know whats cool???? being happy and healthy! weeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!! the first thing on my agenda is realizing why i felt so lost after losing my friend. turns out if we go back in time we find that i literally always and i mean always had a girl bestie by my side attached at the hip like tracing back to fourth grade possibly earlier. thats great and stuff but friendships fall out and i meet another bestie and get attached and i have never been on my own without a bestie and i think thats not healthy. its great to have friends and stuff but being so attached to someone... you begin to morph into each other without even realizing it. mannerisms, personality, style, it all smudges into me evolving into a new version of myself inspired by bestie number 5. if i rub off on them thats fine i guess but thats not what were analyzing here. i dont have bestie anymore. obviously (maybe not that obvious) i have a healthy social life and have a good handful of friends and can socialize pretty well but i no longer have someone that i can describe the color and consistency of my bowel movements to and all the other mediocrely interesting things that happen to me over the course of a day. i know what youre thinking because im thinking it too. people in my position that feel particularly lonely might find solace in the all new best trend thats not going away! AI!!!!! get you a bestie like chatgpt that would be swag! and to that i say fuck you and also no no no dont do that. thats a dangerous game that im not willing to play. ive decided i will turn into myself and enjoy my alone time and my own thoughts as much as possible. i had a thought yesterday! (good for me) be it a mantra or just something i say that makes sense to me but not in the way a mantra works: 

I like what I like and I love what I like! 

I like my taste I like the media i consume i like the books i read and i read them because i like to and thats just fine. i dont read books to impress the masses. if i did id probably read more snobby books. i fucking love the hunger games. i think the concept is awesome its easy to read its easy to picture and i fucking love it. i know its not the coolest thing and not something to converse about at parties with people who are lit majors but fuck it i like it and i like that i like it. having someone to talk to constantly that doesnt give a fuck about what im reading or watching or random thoughts in my head... it makes sense. i guess its pretty rare to find someone whos that obsessed with you that they will let you talk all about what you like and ask intriguing questions to keep the conversation going. its also too much to ask loved ones to read the exact books at the exact pace to have a conversation about it beyond the point of "yeah it was good i liked it" 

give me more!!! lets talk more!!! and thats fine thats fine i can handle the fact that society is onto the next constantly and thats okay i can look inwards (hi spacehey). I occasionally post my book reviews on instagram on a profile that has around 20 people who engage with my posts. in all honesty, i post it for myself and myself alone. so that i can look back on the various mindsets i was in and media i consumed and what i thought about it so that when i revisit that media i can see what i had to say and then add to it. you know what? those 20 or so people that very rarely engage with my posts don't deserve whats in my brain cause its pure fucking gold. i like what i like and i love what i like and if im the only one then so be it i will have the time of my life with me myself and i (and my two cats). 

i also think social media is a dangerous game to play in more ways than one and even though this is a social platform, i dont see myself engaging with people in the way i do on instagram and that is just what im looking for. a blog is good a blog is fine a blog is just what i need. on instagram (i keep mentioning instagram because it is the only social media platform i engage with) i never share too much about my life. no one, even my "close friends" dont need to see what im thinking, what problems im going through, what happy days ive had, or need to know any of that by mindlessly scrolling and finding a post from me. if they are indeed close friends then they'd already know about whats going on in my life and thats whats important. but then again in social conversations in person or on the phone one does not have the capacity to talk uninterrupted for an undisclosed amount of time about absolute bullshit. (hi spacehey) 

so until i either find bestie number 6 or whatever number im on now, or miraculously reach enlightenment and go off the grid on a farm (my wrists are weak and its hard to write in notebooks for long stretches of time) i will blog because as my old bestie once said to me (and im paraphrasing) its your life mission to become jenna hamilton you self righteous coming of age cunt (major paraphrasing) and so be it. i like what i like and i love what i like. suck my dick!