The L word

Date: 24 july 2025 

So yk the "L word" right? Idk why I'm making it sound like a slur I'm talking abt the word "Love". Anyway the thing is, I've been thinking for a while abt how I'd use it, in what contexts, why, how, with who and all that. I've been thinking abt it ever since I started having feelings for the guy that I'm now together with. And I've come to the conclusion that I think it's good to be able to use it without feeling super awkward, the problem is that that is exactly what I feel whenever I try to use it. I don't say it to anyone in my family, not my parents, siblings, grandparents, none of my friends, even the ones I've known since childhood. And at the ripe age of 19 I have now decided that I hate that I don't use it, cs now I really do want to use it but it feels so strange and awkward that I can't bring myself to do it. It sucks seeing how easily it comes to some ppl, and just them being able to be affectionate to others in general. I suck at that shit, mostly cs I've sabotaged myself by making everyone think I hate that stuff. 

From the age of 14 and upwards I stopped letting ppl hug me, or sometimes not even shake my hand. Idk I just didn't want anyone to touch me, I also stopped telling ppl abt my feelings and thoughts. I didn't tell anyone when my grandpa died, I just missed a day of school for the funeral and then one of my friends asked me why I wasn't in school I said "I was at a funeral", and bcs I said it so casually and quickly I think she assumed that it wasn't a big deal and so she said "Was it someone u knew well?" and I told her and she felt so sorry for me she even hugged me, after that I didn't tell anyone else.

More recently I've started to want to reverse this shit. I think maybe two years back I started getting the feeling that I wanted to open up again, and so I did. I think I am pretty good at opening up and sharing my thoughts and feelings now, however I still have a bit on the physical aspect of it, especially with my family. But the big one I'm working on is bringing myself to say "I love u". It shouldn't be such a big deal I know but I just don't wanna be rejected I guess. I sent a goodnight GIF to my bf a couple of months ago and after I sent it I realized that it had the text "I love u" in it, I got super nervous and wanted to delete it before he saw, but he saw it and just sent a goodnight GIF back to me. So I guess it wasn't that big a deal.

Oh also I've eaten fries to my dinner for a whole week cs my parents are gone and that's all my brothers know how to cook, pls help. 

- Elliot