i hate anxiety

This story is not about me only, sure, i suffer from anxiety i guess, but most individuals do and whatever, still bad; lately i think i was better with it since my main cause is school, and i'm still in summer break, but i had a few episodes. 

Yesterday my mom called me while i was out in the city and told me not to panic or something, because she is going to the hospital. Pause. What-?? She doesn't have medical problems very often, she was never in hospital for herself, she has a pretty healthy lifestyle overall, but she told me that she had like a massive panic attack that lasted like 5 hours or something. I knew she wasn't going to die or something cause i did have long and painful panic attacks that she doesn't even know about, but i was truly shocked and scared.

I immediatly went home, but when i was on my street, near my house, i felt that my legs weren't working anymore and my breath was cut short. I just sat on the curb for half an hour maybe; i was on the phone with my boyfriend most of the time, but i talked with my mom and uncle too(i had to fucking lie and tell them i was okay and at home). I did get in my apartment after a tough fight with a lot of stairs.

At home i didn't know what to do really, i just walked in each room until i couldn't anymore, then washed dishes. My boyfriend insisted on coming over to keep me company; i didn't want him to worry that much, cause he has his own problems to be fair, and i wouldn't want him to feel burdened by my shit as well. He arrived a little after 10 PM, and we got the house ready for when my mom would come back home. Probably, I couldn't have done everything if it weren't for him, and i'm thankful. We even had a bug in my room and we had to kill it and it got stuck at the top of my door. He made me smile and keep my calm a little better, and i didn't feel like crying every 5 minutes.

My uncle brought my mom back home and all four of us stayed in the kithen for a while. She was still pretty agitated, but i think it was better than before. They expained whatever happened around there, but i was kind of nervous too, so i didn't remember much. A while later, a little after midnight my uncle went back to his house and we went to sleep, well, at least my mom went i think, my boyfriend and i didn't yet. 

We were up for some time later, i just wanted to tell him how much i care about him, but i couldn't get my words right, and i felt like crying each time, then my mind jumped back to my mom and i wondered what i'd do if she needs to go back to the hospital that night again, or ever again. Thankfully, it wasn't the case. I calmed down in the end.

My boyfriend had to leave early this morning, so i had to get up at like 8 AM, but after he left i managed to fall asleep again for a couple of hours. I felt so alone in that big bed, i guess i got used to someone comforting me a little too much, but i hugged tight this big hamster plush(his name is Pipi) and i was okay.

I hate how this anxiety shit affects my family and my loved ones, what do you mean i have to stay calm seeing my mom so stressed? What do you mean she's gonna probably get medication for anxiety? Normally, I'd say that everything is crumbling before my eyes, and it is, kind of, but i feel love and support from some people and i am so thankful for them. I had to quietly sob writing this, while my mom was around the house, and i don't know if these are tears of fear, stress, or happiness that i got over yesterday surprisingly well.(yes, the way i handled yesterday was surprisingly well for me).