happiness seems temporary

hello.

this is me just yapping. its so relaxing.

anyways... 

i was thinking lately about my emotions. the more i dig into my brain the more i notice how miserable i actually am. my life is actually pretty good. yeah i dont have friends, but everything else? decent. i have a place to live, hell, i have my own room, a pc, loving mother, a pet and i have freedom. but.. idk. i might be depressed (not self-diagnosing here) but i dont think i really am. 

since i moved to this town when i was eleven i started hating myself. maybe i just started growing up. i hated and still hate my body (yes, i am chubby), i (should i even say it?) started sh (clean since a month btw). i sometimes i find old diaries where i literally plan out the best way how to kill myself (honestly it sounded pretty smart). but it wasnt like today.. like i do feel happiness and stuff but my body feels too tired to keep up. its like: yeah im happy.. but oh god how id love to die rn. basically i always have some disappointment/negativity at the back of my mind that doesnt allow me to enjoy stuff, i just wanna go away and lay down somewhere to sleep away. its so depressing. my mom sees it, its making me sick seeing her worried about me. but when she asks why im always sad i only say im tired. no matter how much sleep i get im always tired. my body always hurts. my hands dont feel attached to me. 

yk.. this post was meant to be happy. i wanted to write about my new cd portable, and how i bought 20 new CDs for it. i hate the way im always negative. i also hate the way im apathetic, i dont know why but i dont care for anything. i do think about it, but i cant change anything about it. 

im gonna pull an all-nighter today.

me gone.