but i'm going to go

cars make me sick. or anything that is a transportation method. something something sickness and fragile organs... i don't think anyone is able to think of anything while they're vomiting, or trying not to, for that fact. I'll be so dazed, that my pupils will dilate and i will forget the own conscience of self. I do that a lot of the time. I went on trips but i wonder if that ever leaves any lasting effect or that i could learn anything of it. I think I could, but in the end its unchanged, i don't get it. It's hard to understand to be upset for one bit of the first part and then accept the feelings on the second part. 

I can't focus my eyes. maybe my pupils are getting bigger 

i arrived with a really sour flavor in my mouth. the climate was super hot back there, it made me feel a bit worse. I think trips are okay but it'll be away from sea. I've had enough of it for now. But it waas nice interacting with others in a way that i dont understand because i cant understand the continuity from the actions that had been done in the past but i am glad i am able to reconstruct something decent over a very clashing connection 

and though it was rather cheap and straight out trashy most of the time, i think i enjoyed it. It was nice after all, in its own way. Well, for the own way. I try to control myself and how to react to not overblow things up but when i go into action i actually forget all my lessons and just go and act into myself. Isn't it basically the same as trying to adopt a different personality?? it's all im trying to tell myself, so i get confused when i identify i couldn't fight my emotions, but life is like that. I am glad that that made me realize too the ways in which i am spoiled and the things that i do take for granted too;  complaining about things often make me feel guilty, something more decent is really okay, but my feelings are there too. Going into a place that had less resources, made me realize a bunch of granted things like one would usually do the connection, though guilt did come when thinking, its just the normal way of human thinking. its just,  there

I believe that relations are as weird as they are. Between romance and platonic-ness, i have been thinking about it. Basically, isn't romance just a friendship with extra intimacy steps? but what if people in a relationship don't really have those intimacies at all ? then can it be romantic? yes, but it's a broad thing. With a very tight friend, you can share how you feel, what worries you, go to do things together, be with each other, trust, and stuff like that. That's the same with a partner, except there's more like physical intimacy or something and the subtext that it's supposed to be the 'special' one but i dont feel like i find any other difference between close friendships and romance like that 

of course friends are a more ample thing that ranges from low to high, to be compared logically with romance, but in a very close friendship it's just like that.

so in the end, why is it so crucial after all? platonic-ness is fine too anyway. It's cool to be good friends with people. All things considered, these things are just broad and vague and are in between those labels and when i think about it nothing really ever matters because nothing really makes sense at all and overthinking doesn't even do it because it's nonsensical and it doesnt matter because the labels and human connections make no sense so its whatever

besides, what about intimacy? i've thought, and to some doesn't it seem a little weird to have another being be in you? or touch? it's like it's not supposed to be that way, restrictive, like it seems a little too comfortable and far a bit too disgusting for taste 

or i dont know