july 22. 2025

i am so different now. i am so much better and i have  crazy allergies for some fucking reason.

listening to every fall out boy song in order tonight and thinking abt myself and who i am and who i love and how i love and how sexy i am. (a lot).

i have a constant voice in my head repeating nothing but "i love u". i have abt 10 different trains of thought but the rest of them say bad things or sad things or compel me. most of them compel me. 

everything makes me cry. i cry from being happy or proud or sad or lonely or tired sometimes. im sad i have to live here with everyone but im so grateful i get to participate. i worry i am doing or saying something wrong most of the time but i get to be a part of it all and i think even if my part is the idiot fool i am glad to play it.

one day i hope it all makes sense. i hope i never feel lonely again and that i know i can trust everyone around me. not just to not hurt me or injure me but trust their every move. every action and feeling they have. i havent experienced that yet but i know its real. 

i think i have to trust myself first. and i think that starts w my dreams. i have no clue how or why im dreaming the way i am or why ive been taking them on a tour thru my dream world but im sure if i pay attention i will catch the message.

do u guys have an entire world for dreaming too? a dedicated mall, apartment, park, world???? im not sure the limits but my dreams either take place there or within the next day in the real world. like dreaming my morning over and over again (that happened today). 

also im getting drunk tn good night