lonely

i dont think anyone is gonna read this, so this is basically like a public diary. my grammar is ass also so its a hard read too..

oh i noticed i can chose who can read it... im an attention seeking little pig so its public lol. 

anyways, the subject is ~lonely~ that means i'll cry about my situation at school at the moment.its bad. like really bad.

i was pretty popular. in second half of 2024 i had a bunch of cool ppl as my friends (i'll give fake names cuz i can) there were pigeon, bread (<-- ex besties), pearl, madness (never liked her tbh), yellow and seaweed. they were my friends. we texted, hung up, walked together to school, did dumb shit and all what friends do. and that period (my eyes are teary wtf) was probably one of my best summers/times in social life, because when i was younger i never had real friends. i was always that loser kid with no friends. most likely because of the cultural difference and my weird kid type of childhood. (i still dont feel home in this country after eight years). but back then i was fine. i lived in my little world and ppl still TALKED to me. not on a bestie basis but it was communication that i needed. interest in my life (sometimes i got a feeling that im not real.. help lol). yk my mom back then was too busy bringing our lifes to control since my parents divorced (spoiler my father said right into my face that im a horrible daughter when i was twelve) while trying to learn the language AND working in a hospital as a nurse (basically she was learning or wtv). sooo.. i didnt had much attention from my parents. and that little interest that i got from other kids/ppl was my only resort. 

we moved.

in the middle of the school year. i changed schools, pretty cool i thought. i got friends, i cried because of joy. it felt wonderful having real friends. i got more friends, still crying sometimes i got used having nice people around me. my attention seeking got finally people who listened. i was truly happy. my life felt like a flower field until the sun stopped shining. my very dear friend, who understood me the most, pigeon, slowly began keeping distance. at first i didnt understood, asked her to do stuff, go in the park what we always did. she didnt have time. we stopped walking to school together because i couldnt go as late as them (pigeon and seaweed), she stopped texting me. and now she doesnt even respond to my messages. it broke my heart, i think i felt the most connection with her. and with her ignoring me, also went seaweed and madness. alr. not good, but not too dramatic seaweed had the least contact to them.

NOW. 

bread. she was unpopular. we got friends. she got in the friends group. got popular.

we sat together. sleepovers regularly. found a corn site and regretted. all the happy stuff.

2 weeks ago. she stopped talking. like total ignoring. and well i texted her if you wanna sit with madness (they got like very best friends) i dont mind. her response was so passive aggressive it hurt. she basically said, ill tell you why im mad. like shes my mother lol. and well i wanted to clear it per text (im very apathetic so its easier for me to clear things per text) and she got angry and refused. as expected i didnt know how to react was kind of indifferent and not understanding (she told me i send a voice mail to yellow where i said that i wanna sit without bread and leave her alone like a loser since she didnt have friends at that moment) and well i didnt know what she was talking about (BECAUSE IT DIDNT EVEN HAPPEN LIKE THIS) she got mad and ignored me for the rest of the day. next day she sat with madness. and so on. 

after like two days i investigated found out what really happened, explained myself to her (per text), she said alr sorry was a misunderstanding and sat back together with me. for a day. she basically doesnt  talk to me although if i ask her something shed answer.

a little about pearl: we have same interests and she was always nice to me. but now we only talk sometimes and only if speak first so onesided. shes no mad, we're 'friends' but just classmates fits better. 

CLASSMATES- straight unpopular. they never really liked me.

now im alone. sad. and the worst part? we got an one week schooltrip... and the whole friendgroup is in the same room as me..

i avoid going to school and mentally just empty atp.

this got much longer then i expected, but honestly im tired of talking to some ai to feel seen. 

ill try writing here everyday, maybe itll help my mind to process stuff