feeling sad ;(

i graduated high school in may of 2021; last year i applied to seven schools and was only accepted to two. One is the one that i already took classes at during high school and i applied to the other as a joke and wrote the essay in 15 minutes. The other five schools were the highly competitive ones that had dreamed of going to all of high school. Last march, i read rejection letter after rejection letter and it never got easier.

i spent all of high school working harder than i had to for the specific reason of going to a good school that i would have to 'settle' for. i spent four years placing all of my self worth on academic validation and it took five emails to crush me completely. i sobbed for countless hours.

i decided to take a gap year and try it all over again. ive been doing some light traveling and a lot of working, and i even took the ACT and SAT again (and got a 35 and 1500, respectively). I am smart- im legally a genius, had a 4.0, took 7 college classes while still in high school, took five AP classes, and graduated 10th in my class. im talented- i played in an orchestra for three years, made is through both district and honors band and choir multiple times, starred in my schools musicals, was third in my region for tennis and won tons of tournaments, and was the president of chamber choir, thespian society, and show choir. i am a good writer. i do community service. i am kind. i work hard. 

i cannot comprehend what i could have done differently to get into a school that i want to go to. what am i supposed to do. 

last year i didnt get what i wanted to i decided to try again this year but i cant keep taking gap years because i didnt get what i wanted.

i am feeling so sad and frustrated and im greiving the version of me that would have gone to my dream school. i am sad today. i will be sad tomorrow too. but on sunday i will pick my head back up and start applying to safety schools.

for now, i will be sad