about antagonism

"i realized i might be a narcissist towards you, my narcissistic behavior goes towards you" ..

how could you? how could you say that now? for years, i was the child you never worried about. even today, i wonder how i survived as your first. how could you? how could you simply say that and ask me if you were the worst? i know you're the worst, i've been through the horrors you've put me through. you can't say that, you don't have the right to say that. you realize what you are yet you choose to never change, don't lie to my face again making me think you'll change. you're one of the monsters who made me this way, you made me this way. how could you? how could you do this to me? you try to rip up every precious thing i love, you put down my ambition and blame me for my pessimism. look at the disgrace you made and face it, you know what you are. you know who you are. you don't have the right to brush off your words of realization. you can't ask me why i was crying. you ask as if you care, only to brush me off as someone else's problem. i hate you. i hate you. i hate you. i can't help but love you all the same, too. how could i forgive you as a woman, but despise you as a daughter? oh, you're cruel. you're horrible. you have let me suffer for this long, you weren't there when i needed you the most, you never held my hand the way you cherish your youngest. i was your youngest at one point, why do you speak to me as if growing was the problem? you worry that your youngest can't read, did you ever worry about me that way too? you'd tell me to do it. over and over. over and over. over and over. over and over. make it work. read the lines. you know your words bite, you know who i am. yet you choose to use them the way you do, endlessly piercing my chest.

"what if you were to die tomorrow? you've done nothing with your life"...

being there for people is nothing. waking up and pushing forward is nothing. struggling is nothing. talking is nothing. facing myself in the mirror, pushing past the horror of what i see is nothing. swallowing my tears down into my throat and forcing myself not to vomit them out is nothing. trying is nothing. surviving but not living is nothing. simply breathing is nothing. is nothing. is nothing. is nothing. nothing. nothing. nothing. my life is nothing. 
if i were to die tomorrow, just about nothing will change. 
for you to realize that, means i truly was nothing to you. 

my name coming out of your mouth always means something bad. my name, when you utter it, is a bad omen. my name, only. my name, which you seem to throw around carelessly like a dime into a wishing shrine. how i wish i were no longer human. if i was the wind, i'd be able to caress the precious faces of those on a heat-stoked day. if i was the moon, i'd be chasing some little child in a car. if i were somebody's sun, even one world, i'd shine my light down onto them. if i were a beetle, i'd endlessly rest on my back. if i were the grass, i'd go green for miles. most importantly, if i were a jellyfish, i'd be able to live without a thought in the world. thinking is what causes my suffering, yet i would've been happy if i was surviving on the thought of instinct over the thought of my parent.