thoughts from winter

Something I wrote back when my cool breath punctured my speech with mist. 'Tis nothing more than the recounting of a day, but it holds so much of myself in it.

My life is the same as yours.

This morning, I sip on the soft warm mousse of my coffee, letting every air bubble melt on my tongue, wary of the too-hot liquid lurking beneath. I eat fruit, sweet bananas and sour slices of clementine. I tear flesh open, I let juice trickle down my throat in bliss. You know what bliss.

I unroll a yoga mat and stretch. I feel the clementine juice spread in my blood. My body is a vessel and all that crap. Crunching, straining, making sure all my joints are nicely oiled. Breathing, sweating, crimson rushing to meet the surface in gratifying effort. You know what effort.

At noon, I go down the stairs and into the dimly lit kitchen looking out onto the dimly lit sky. I am not hungry, but I know I should be. I look at the crowded sink; what a mess, someone should do the dishes. I turn on the sun-colored light above the stove, and it floods my heart with peace. It makes me want to dance and sing and make love, so I put on music as I dance and sing, but I only make ravioli. The dishes remain undone. You know how it is.

Later I find a box of watercolors in my room. I don’t remember it was ever there, and finding it feels like stumbling upon a treasure hidden long ago. It is untouched, O sacred virginal paint, each color still wrapped in strips of paper and plastic. I open it greedily, like a gift. You know of greed, don’t you?

In the afternoon I think about self-worth and desire. I think of how I might never lie with anyone, or lie with someone but never know pleasure. I don’t want to make love anymore; I just want to be fucked. I think I already am, though. Do you?

The evening descends and I read poetry. Baudelaire to be exact, but it could be anything really. I read and I listen, too. Then I speak, and words fill the room with flowers. I read: Get drunk. Get drunk on poetry, wine or virtue, for that is all you really need.

You know how to get drunk. And so do I.

14.12.24