biggest loser in the world!

Haiii. It's been a really long time since I've been on here...I needed a less embarrassing social media than the gmail chat feature and tumblr is harder to type into the roblox chat bar than spacehey. GIRL I SOUND LIKE SUCH A FUCKING LOSER 😭

speaking of which.....i think i'm actually like the biggest loser in the whole world or something...and the worst person and the lamest person i guess too! i have like no friends man. i really only have one, he's pretty cool but he goes to my school's high school so i haven't seen him since about three years ago when he was in eighth grade and i was in sixth grade and we could hang out on the same campus all the time. i get to hang out with him more than i'm used to this summer, so that's cool. it's really weird at my school.....no one really hangs out outside of school. i've been really starved of human contact and stuff ever since quarantine anyway, so that's made it a lot worse honestly. anyway. i don't think he cares about me nearly as much as i care about him. i've had friendships like that where the care factor was CRAZY different, it's not like hes a bad person, its just..he's like a normal person with actual friends that care about him, so why would he care about me as much as i do to him you know? technically i have other friends than him but they never invite me to anything or anything, and they always leave me out of stuff, and just generally i don't really think they like me. i'm extremely likely to have autism or adhd or some kind of neurodivergence so maybe i'm reading signs wrong or whatever, but i dont think i can be reading leaving me out of everything and never talking to me outside of school wrong....basically theyre just things i sit next to at lunch so i dont look like a loser and feel lonely at this point. i'm honestly so lonely i genuinely think its been taking a toll on my mental stability since, what, sixth grade? i mean loneliness does that to you, loneliness is like really bad for a human. and i'm not saying any of that to be quirky or whatever, that was over for me in 2020, i promise. about three months ago i locked myself in my bathroom because of an extremely minor argument with my mom about friends or something and i stayed in there for a couple hours with an extremely dimly lit light on. once i stopped crying about how lonely i was for some reason i felt an extreme need to write down my feelings, but the only thing in the bathroom available (i wouldnt let myself out. i dont know why) was an eyeliner pencil so i wrote things like "take me back home" and "everyone is so weird" on my walls and floor. then i took pictures of it and posted it on tumblr. i dont know why any of this happened, none of my actions here make logical sense. i also started cutting my wrists on random occasions ("whenever i feel like it" ??????) for genuinely no reason. i know for some people it feels good, or they do it to punish themselves, or whatever reason. i have no reason. sometimes i just do it. my memory and focus have also declined extremely to the point of genuine fear that i'm not smart enough to be in my current school anymore. my school is like a gifted kid school or something so they make you take an iq test as part of the requirement if you want to enter. in third grade, i scored about 150. last year, i retook it and got about 130. that is a loss of about 20 iq points! over the course of four years! that is seriously concerning! i have also felt an extreme amount of apathy towards things i know are extremely troubling, but i just cannot bring myself to care about. like all of this, honestly. i used to think as long as i was having fun why would i care if i was cutting myself or having breakdowns or having extreme iq drops or any of this, but i'm not even having fun anymore! i barely have any friends. i'm never good enough at any of the things i enjoy doing for my standards. i hate looking in the mirror because i think i'm so fucking ugly. my parents won't let me do any sort of transition beyond a fucking haircut until i'm 18 and legally out of their control. all i do is borrow cds from my library and shop at goodwill and draw at the park, which is all fun i guess, but it's so lonely doing everything by myself. when i was little i was so excited to hang out at the park with my cool friends when i was older. that's why i'm always at the park near my house, except i don't even really have friends to go there with. so fucking lame. i went to this amazing art summer camp last year where i finally had some friends and met this awesome person from new york i still talk to online, but i couldnt go this year because i had to visit my grandparents in china who learned my dad was going to make me do engineering as an extracurricular in high school and immediately signed me up for coding classes without consulting me first. coding classes i had to do online(which i absolutely hate because of quarantine) during my literal vacation. i was so alone there...it was just me and my mom and my aunt we were staying with who was never there because of her busy job marketing a plastic surgery clinic. nobody cares about me and i dont really know if i care about me anymore either. i have no clue why i never just committed suicide like i was planning on back in fourth grade when quarantine was rotting my brain. ive had some really close calls, i dont know how im still alive. life never really got better, honestly. at least i could put an excuse to my loneliness back then, all i have to offer now is just that im a fucking loser nobody likes. at least i found bass, and drawing, and biking, and got really invested over emo bandom.......my hobbies are the only things keeping me alive right now i guess. but this isnt really any better than how it used to be. why is this so fucking long? nobody is going to read this.