you come back in every dream i have

I'm just so conflicted. you were in my dream but I can't remember it at all. I just remember that gaze on your eyes. what does it mean? why can't i remember? why does it hurt? 

yesterday you sent me that video. why do we still keep a streak? the video was basically "I don't hate you, I'm not praying for your downfall, wishing the best for you always" it's the first coherent thing you've sent. but it's been more than a week, so why would you say that now? but i miss you, i miss you so much. i wish you'd talk to me, but i don't want to be the one to talk first, not this time, not anymore. and I'm still angry, I'm still hurt. i just hate how easily i forgive you. im not a forgiving person, but i guess i just still love you, and there's nothing i can do about it. but I'm also angry, y'know? i still have an ego. i still have my ego, and I'm tired of being the one to fix things, to look for others, to seek out solutions. no, no more. I'm tired. for once, i want to be the one who's seeked, the one who matters to someone else. and if i don't matter to you, then that's fine. I'm tired of showing others how much they matter to me just for them to turn their backs on me. no more. 

it doesn't matter if you're wishing me the best if you're not there at all. if you actually don't hate me, then you'll have to prove it to me. 

I'm not going to humilliate myself any further. I've done enough. 

I'll be gone soon, too. and I'll forget all about this. all about you. (or so i hope!)