Entry II: Envy

Envy is one of my most felt emotions. It’s dark and gruesome, spiraling from my throat in circles around and around until it reaches all the tips of my fingers and toes. Like doodling in class, filling the empty spaces in letters, underlining and blacking out, pressing the pen so hard the paper rips. It springs at the sight of other people. The lives they live. Someone educates children and relives their childhood, someone fights for law in the only way they know, someone delivers news from all around the world and sees places no one else will, someone brings innocent lives into this world, someone helps bury them when they’re old. Someone lays on the street wishing for more, someone wonders what to do with their wealth. Someone hadn’t slept last night and daydreamed instead, someone talked to their lover all night long about their future, someone cried over a breakup, someone crammed for entrance exams to their dream university that they’ve been dreaming about for years. Someone just bought a new coat, someone just finished an incredible book that will put them in trance, someone finally chose their dreams, and someone lost everything they own. And I want to be all of them. I want to experience overwhelming love, heartbreak, grief. It sounds so sadistic if you must – but I’ve always wanted to be everything all at once. I could never choose between two colours. I will never be able to choose a life. I want to travel the world and I want to have a stable family. I want to teach and I want to sing and I want to act. But life is so limited for I cannot split myself into a thousand million pieces and experience all there is to life. And my only goal in life is to grab every opportunity I get a hold of, talk to all the new people, buy that coat, laugh aloud, and taste all the marrows of life. No matter how happy or sad. I want it all. I’ve always wanted it all. And so I envy anyone with a different life than me. Different eyes, different job, different home. It’s not a centered feeling for me. And with it being so broad, it’s ten times harder to suppress.