14 july

i had a dream last night where i was betrothed to someone. Maybe the logic was that after i had lost my partner, there was no hope of me actually finding anyone, and my parents were also scared of me being gay. I was arranged to be married to a cis man. we got along well, but i it was mostly a sense of duty. I woke up trying to explain genderfluidity to my nonexistent fiancée. 

 i'd like a bioman for a life partner, but not a cis man. i wonder if i am doomed to one day settle for a cis man as in my dream so not to cause any drama. i settled for having so much taken away from me, i settled for a shitty college, i settled for being treated like i'm not worth anything. yes, i have a lot to be thankful for, but i could have had better. i could have done better for myself. i wonder how much longer i will put myself through this dissatisfaction. ive lost sleep over it for so many years.