30 | mental scars

I never thought the SA i went through in korea was a big deal. sure it made me sick at the thought ofisex for a bit, but I didnt think it would affect me. after all, some of my friends joked about it. now that i think about it, it was my male friends who joked about it, thinking it wasn't that big of a deal. 

I went out with someone yesterday and he's cool. he's really tall and is probably one of the first liberal people ive gone out with here in indiana. he's almost 29. 

He gave me a rum and coke and for some reason, it didnt relax me like it usually did. i mean i trust him, i wasnt worried, but my body just froze. I didnt move much becaue i was thinking Korea. I told him why my personality shifted. he didnt want to hookup or anything, he was even okay with us just being friends because we get along so well.

the SA ruined me, im now realizing. its going to take some external influence till i can comfortable sleep with someone again. I can so other things, but being in a bed with someone, especially someone the same age as the SA assailant, will take a long time. 

I told him I'm okay with him still being on dating apps, even though i'd be super jealous.

anyways, im thinking of moving my blog off this site. I hate censorship and I hate when the site goes down bc i think my writing will be erased.