Lables.

Blog ~ Diary

Labels.

7/12/25

*Pretend that I'm like the murderer in a true crime documentary and I like sit down and the vibe is all like "omg its him" kinda vibe okay? Let's get into it!!* 

Hello. It's been 2 months since I made an OFFICAL blog so here I am back on that wavelength. I've been going through some pretty brutal mental stuff this past few months for me but instead of putting it all in one blog, I'll be splitting it into fractions like I did in "Running". I hope you guys enjoy this piece.

1. Words that sum up me.

 So..Social Media amirite..Hah. NO seriously. Why does social media have control of the ENTIRE WORLD. It's terrifying how many peoples mental health, self esteem, daily routine, is changed by social media. Social media has its cons and has it's pros. It for starters helps people put themselves out there and connect to people from all across the world with similar interest, same point of view, or tips and constructive feedback. It's not always like that though. Usually people would reach out to you with an ulterior motive, or hate and disrespect what you are putting yourself out there for. Usually because they have nothing better to do. Usually because they see how bright of a spark you are and will go to any lengths to dim it. This obviously affects someone with low self esteem (me guys) and would change the course on how they present themselves either online or in the real world. They might stop doing the things they got hate for, or talk down to other people who ARE doing what they used to do. Sadly, I've been a victim of this myself. I used to find so much joy in doing what is considered "cringe now" on social media. I was proudly me. But a few comments got to me and I started to spiral. This is a problem that I've suffered with for years. I was a chronic people pleaser, I never had an opinion for myself. Unfortunately, when you take everyone's opinions on who you are and who you will be..you kind of..lose yourself? I put a question mark because I still don't know the answer myself. I've been a combination of so many words that it feels like they are plastered above my head like a name tag, defining me. Imagine greeting someone and you see a "bio" above their head of all the things they've been called in their life. Mine would be extremely negative despite me being a positive person. It would look a little something like..

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"HEY! I'm waffle! Here's my bio of words that define me as opposed to people around me!"

Funny!

Extroverted! 

Dumb!

Idiot!

Smart!

Caring!

Selfish!

Kind!

Rude!

Gentle!

Savage! 

Sweet!

Pretty!

"Chopped"! (By the same person who called me pretty)

Unfocused!

Disrespectful!

Articulate!

A "Good speaker." 

Cute!

And the list can go on...

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But obviously this doesn't define who I am. I have my own beliefs on who I am and I do think I can become a better person. With all these labels defining me it's impossible to look in the mirror and see who III see myself to be. 

Now to the part I am writing this very blog to talk about...Jealousy.

 Now back to the mirror bit, when I look in the mirror I see me. Which is fine but I wish I could see something better. Something that would make me go "wow! thats me?" Something that would make other people want to look at me. But no, I'm me. I 'm okay with that. On social media I used to present myself as this "confident" no opinion having kind of person. I always presented myself to make others think their words don't affect me EVEN when they do. I keep a cool head and a straight face and go on with my day. But whenever I would post a "confident", "Your opinions don't affect me" kind of post..it was more like I was CONVINCING myself these things. Like I was convincing myself that I don't care who sees this even though I do. The scariest part, Is I don't know what they think when they see it. I just saw who saw it and who liked it..And the ratio was DRASTIC. I would get 150 views on like a TikTok story and like 4 likes and I would see everyone who saw it. MY immediate thought was "am III the PROBLEM?" SO I looked at my peers. Everyone surpassing me in likes, and comments and getting everything positive and I just wondered.."What's wrong with me?" I pretended like it didn't affect me but I would scroll and scroll and scroll on my friends page and try to at least ANALYZE WHY they might be attracting so many likes. AHA! At last I found the answer.

2. Social Media

Me. I wasn't showing ME off enough. And no I don't mean quantity of photos I mean I wasn't revealing myself ENOUGH. Most girls with 200, 300 likes were showing themselves off, almost to attract likes. I was stupid. I was posting about my trips and funny star wars memes, I forgot what the AUDIENCE wanted to see. And they wanted to see me. So I started posting selfies and putting less and less of my friends and more of me. I noticed a major increase in likes. I went from 20s to 90s and 100s INSATANLY. I felt good. I felt like my other post didn't matter. But when I went to go private them my page felt empty, soulless. So I just turned off my likes on those post. Only highlighting the ones with high rating scores. For a moment in time I felt..good. I felt good about myself, and how others might see me. But it stems from other peoples validation. I was so busy thinking about other people I barely thought about myself. Then something clicked in me. Looking at my flourishing page I wasn't proud of what I created. In fact, I was devastated. I would have never done made post with short tops and makeup. I would have never lowered myself to be like everyone else. I was always the odd kid in my class. I was always talked down to for BEING that odd kid. But sometimes, in order to be number ONE you have to be ODD. You have to push against the narrative and the labels that "define" you. Because trust ME, they don't. If you were to ask me how I would describe myself I would put..

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Intelligent, but not the best problem solver.

Assertive when it comes to what's right in the world.

A leader but at times can lay into other peoples opinions.

Great fashion sense. 

Funny in a situational sense. 

Talented. 

An amazing spokesperson.

A great hype-man.

UBER pretty/handsome.

A great preformer. 

A even better friend. 

Whimsical and positive.

A nature fairy.

Unapologetically odd.

and of course..

THE STANDARD AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

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But of course if I were to say that I would get called an egoist, but really I am starting to believe in my strengths and my willpower to get through my battles no matter how hard and tough they may be. People can replace me, walk over me, distract me, harass me, talk about me, threaten me, betray me, sabotage me but I know I need to get back up. I know that it will hurt, I always have felt emotions intensely and I know IT. WILL. HURT. But the best part about hurting, is healing. Whether it be the scars on my wrist (2 weeks clean) or the thoughts in my head it WILL get better. Now time is in charge of that and so is the universe so I guess I will take time for myself and sit down and just relax. Because it will all. be. alright. :)

Thank you for reading.

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Okay, that concludes todays yap session/blog if you came this far DM me a strawberry or kudo or comment! If you have any feedback or anything my DMS are always open. ONWARDS AND OUT!!

In darkness and strife the worst of the world will barely come to light, whether it be the words of my peers or the coldness of my tears it will all be alright. (the time I'm posting this is 4:44) is this a sign?