I can no longer see the beauty in religion

For some context, I have a very religiously eclectic upbringing, for starters:

1. My mother is Roman Catholic and my father was a Southern Baptist (they didn't get along religiously at all, he would yell at her when she came home from mass and pour her holy water down the sink)
2. I was sent to a non-denomination/evangelical/charismatic church growing up
3. I have a Mormon half-brother
4. A neighbor of mine is an ex-Jehova's witness
5. My best friend from Kindergarten until 5th grade was a Messianic Jew
6. My best friend in 6th grade came from a Wiccan family
7. A family-friend who practically watched me grow up thinks God doesn't want women in the government
8. I myself got into New Age beliefs in 7th/8th grade

I'm not gonna act like this upbringing was super varied, it has a very obvious Western Christian bias, however I was taught a lot of contradicting things about God's nature, how he is to be worshipped, etc.

This led to a lot of confusion, and because of it I became an atheist around the age of 13, shortly after I became disillusioned with New Age stuff. Although men like Sagan, Tyson, and Dawkins were those I considered to be heroes, and I liked to think myself above my peers for being a "freethinking individual", in reality I was no better than the religious fundamentalists I claimed to oppose. I used the same old tired atheist arguments (The Problem of Evil. Sky Daddy is an egotistical maniac, etc.), criticized Christian evangelism despite trying to deconvert my own family, and other such things.

For some reason (I don't really remember why) I got into Islam at around 16, I still thought there probably wasn't a God, but if there was it likely what was described in the Qur'an, I found it a more reasonable religion than Christianity, thinking that Islam had stuck to its Middle Eastern roots better (my only significant exposure to Christianity was contemporary American evangelicalism, so I don't exactly think I can blame my younger self), this phase was short lived however and I soon returned to atheism and then to Eastern Orthodox Christianity

I officially became a catechumen around February 2024 and was baptized Holy Saturday of this year, I consider this to be a good thing, but unfortunately some around me have not.

Rant Incoming, skip to the next header if you don't wanna read

I have a certain friend (if you're reading this you know who you are, you're not on SpaceHey but the link to my profile is in my Discord) who I became very close to in early 2023 shortly after I turned 18, I had gotten doxxed and she was there to comfort me and help me through the stress, long story I really don't wanna get into right now, but the point I'm trying to get across is I considered her my closest friend for a long time and I was nearly inseperable from her, arguably we were closer than some romantic partners are with each other. For some personal reasons I won't elaborate on we had a falling out in November of last year, but we reconnected around April. We were both relatively excited and hoped things could go back to the way they were, except...