Report Blog Entry
I can't stand the idea of getting older.
I turned 20 3 weeks ago and I feel so strange. First off, I'm autistic so I get infantilized a lot which sucks, but second I feel like I should have so much more done at this point, I feel like I should have a relationship, an unrestricted driver's license, be in higher education, etc. I've been looking through different profiles looking for friends and I saw this one girl who had a really cool looking page today, I was gonna send her a friend request until I saw she was 13.
I never really got to be a teenager, I was an awkward shut-in most of my life who spent a lot of my time between psychologists' offices and special ed rooms, by the time I became self aware and "normal" I was already 15 years old and by then I was doing online school so I never got to make friends in the outside world.
So many of the people I see here are still in high school, meanwhile I should be in college.
I feel as if my youth has passed me by (yes I know 20 is still young but hopefully you know what I mean), I'm not a "kid" anymore but I don't properly feel like an adult either, I'm not even old enough to drink yet in the country I spend most of my time in and my brain won't be done developing for another 5 years. I feel like I'm in some sort of temporal limbo, I felt like this when I turned 18 as well but it was to a much lesser extent.
Has anyone older than me experienced this before around my age? And if so how did you deal with it?
Getting Older
7 Kudos
Comments
Displaying 4 of 4 comments ( View all | Add Comment )
xxRebellious_Emmaxx
I'd suggest taking some classes and talking to people at your local community college as well as perhaps volunteering. You might find out what you wanna do with your life, what career would work well for you, and make some friends while you're there.
I feel like my life is truly just beginning as a college sophomore who turns 19 in a few weeks due to the lack of independence I faced as a teen in middle and high school (between the COVID-19 pandemic and the world shutting down because of it, my control freak grandmother who likes to take out her own personal fears of the boogeyman out on me by often throwing fits when I tell her I'm leaving the house on my own, and my struggles with my mental health from 2019 - 2023 or so which I blame my grandmother for initially setting off within me when I was 13).
I understand what it feels like to not be allowed to actually be a teen and I'm trying to make up for what I lost and missed out on due to these circumstances, especially so now as an adult woman. Growing up, I was always promised the freedom to do whatever I want upon turning 18, and now, as an actual 18 year old, I am making damn sure that promise is lived up to and respected. I'm making sure that certain family members of mine understand the fact that I'm now an adult and am holding them up to their words from when I was younger.
turron
Also 20 and I feel the same way you do in a lot of ways. I wouldn't know if I had autism, but I spent a lot of time alone and at home growing up. I was always socially awkward and homeschool didn't necessarily help. (At least I learned to love reading! lol) I spent a lot of time in my own world and didn't exactly frequent the best places online, which led to a lot of problems.
I did a few classes at a local college and frankly, there are a lot of things you can teach yourself unless you want to do something really technical, like medicine. I thought I'd make friends there, but unfortunately I didn't. Nor did I find anyone to date. And I didn't get my license while there, either :/
It sucks, but I understand how you feel about this. When I feel bored or get down about it, sometimes I just go to sit outside if I can, write in my journal, or pray before the feeling gets too bad. It's good to have hobbies or simple projects to stay engaged, and I realized it's okay to start a new one...like joining spacehey :')
This is a period in time when many people feel stuck. This is because right now is a time for growth and truly analyzing what your first steps in adulthood should be.
The best thing I can recommend is asking God where He needs you to be and what direction you should go in. This is a slow chapter, but maybe He wants you to learn something--whether that's patience, finding something you enjoy, or discovering something about yourself and those around you.
You seem pretty cool and I hope you're able to find the peace you're looking for
lem.iso
i also turned 20 recently, in late march. i still live with my parents but bounce back and forth between there and my bf's flat and my home. my finances are not stable as i'm struggling to find a job, and also haven't got a full license yet.
i was also a bit of a loser in my teens, often preferring to stay on my computer over hanging out inperson etc. i guess i didn't see the importance in them at the time? i realise the value of those experiences now and seek them out, because i don't future me to regret who i currently am.
i understand now that everyone experiences life at their own pace, and there aren't any wrong answers. you still have soooo much time left to learn and develop into the person u want to be. the way that i have helped curb this feeling of being behind is diving headfirst into any opportunity i am interested in, no matter the anxiety or chance of it going wrong. in every experience, even in failure, you will learn something!
i completely embarrassed myself at a job interview not long ago, butchering a really simple task because i didn't know anything about microsoft excel lol. but i dont regret taking the leap and applying despite not getting the job, i still learned from that experience.
i am sure your situation is different in many aspects, but i hope this might resonate with you somewhat, as i needed to hear this myself to get out of my own "getting older" stress !
Espresso
I resonate with what you're saying, i wasn't truly "living" till i became 15. Jobs are so stressful to keep and everything seems like its ahead of me, Recently turned 18 and scared for the future! :p
It took me until I turned 17 in August 2023 to truly start "living" due to dealing with my paranoid helicopter maternal grandmother not letting me out of the house unsupervised (even in broad daylight), severe mental illness, and of course, the COVID-19 pandemic before then.
Almost 2 years later, I'm even more free now as a sophomore in college than I was as a senior in high school (and trust me when I say the cops aren't going to do anything about a legal adult woman simply leaving the house on her own, unlike when I was still a minor), plus I'll be even more free once I transfer to a 4 year university and move into a dorm next year. But for now, I'm enjoying the fun mall trips with my friends that I never got to experience when I was in high school and am still having fun exploring and venturing to places on my own. :)
And of course, being an adult means I now have the chance to hook up with other cool adults (assuming they're into girls in that sort of way, of course), which as an old soul, means I finally have the opportunity to start dating people and shit (especially if they were born prior to the new millennium).
by xxRebellious_Emmaxx; ; Report