dreams and missed fireworks

I'm not seeing the fireworks I wrote about yesterday. Family dinner, if we can still call this a family. What a shame (I'm not being ironic at all, I really wanted to see those)

I know nothing really interesting really happened since I last wrote but hey, I'll be unavailable until tonight, and my goal is to write everyday. So it's not even 9am right now.  

Last night, around 10pm, my parents, little sister and I went on a walk. And on the ground, I found a bat. Yes, a bat. It was extremely tiny and fragile, and I think it got hit on by a car earlier that day. However, it was still alive so we placed it in a safer place with some water, just in case it wasn't going to actually die that night. I'll check on it later, I don't know if it's still alive.

Last night, after that walk, I also had a dream. A dream that felt so real until the bitter feeling of loneliness caught me when I woke up. I dream every night, like any human, I guess, and as usual, it's just a random mix of things I know. 

This time, I saw her after months. I got to hold her in my arms, to tighten my embrace, to feel my cheeks getting wet under my tears of joy, and I could almost taste their salted water. She said she missed me, and did everything she could to find me.

I know it's stupid. I'm going to see her one day or another. But when ? in a month ? Two ? Five ? 

Sending each other instagram reels about chicken (animals in general, not the literal food) and this almost being the only way of communicate we have was not what I had in mind. Maybe it's my fault, I'm bad at staying in touch with people. What was I expecting ?

I have never, absolutely never fallen in love with anyone. Or maybe I did, but I'm so goddamn clueless I never noticed. But even if I did, and like a lot of people, I want to feel that way and am desperate for affection, I mostly care about my friends. Nobody could fall in love with me, and that's a good thing because most people aren't worth my time. Excepting my friends, but there again, friends are friends, nothing else.

That's why I always get so emotional about my friends.

They get me.

But I don't always get them.