attachments, part 2.

I've decided to take inventory just once more.  Surprise surprise --  I found more to let go of.  I mean, is that really new, anyways?  It seems I'm always finding more to clear out.  Sometimes I'm like, why do I even have this?  I really mean to refine myself, down to the nitty gritty. 

I've recently come up with a mantra that's brought me much peace: "Nothing is ever lost, only misplaced.  What's mine will always be mine, and what isn't never was." 

You know, before I even really truly knew my power, when I was much younger, I had made up this "rule" for myself - that if I cry over something I've "lost", I'll find it.  Truthfully, losing objects was always a struggle for me, emotionally, I hate it so, and my nervous system and overactive imagination can attest.  Misplacing items is an unfortunate habit of mine (one that I am working on).  Not exactly a good mix.  But this rule - perhaps I felt that I possess oceanic tears; ones that pull like tides - it does seem to work like a charm; it's yet to fail me.  However, I'd recently misplaced something meaningful to me.  Honestly, I hadn't really looked all over for it, and knew I'd had it in my mind to place it upon my person, though I must have dropped it or perhaps it had fallen; either way it had vanished from my sight.  I'd spoken my mantra and decided over and over, that it was only simply misplaced, and I shall have no worries.  It was the moment I began to cry that I heard a gentle suggestion that again, I have nothing to worry about because it is indeed mine.  And on a lighter note, there was no longer a need for that rule - no need for tears.  On a deeper level, I recognized that I didn't fear losing the item itself (I could easily get another) but what I felt it represents or means to me.  It reminded me of the time I'd actually lost a significant piece of jewelry given to me as a promise, one that had been broken but I'd held onto for far longer than was necessary.  

I also recently had a full circle moment, at a Goodwill in my new city in the form of some Steve Madden x Winnie Harlow pink snake print stiletto pumps, a perfect size 6.5, almost undoubtedly previously owned by yours truly.  It'd been a couple years or so since I dropped my pair off at the donation bin.  I couldn't tell if it was a test.  If not a test, it was certainly a moment.  A synchronicity.  To go as far as to say whether or not it was a sign - or a test - is mine in a way not belonging to my ego.  Or maybe only belonging to my ego.  Sometimes I can't tell the difference.  If it was, did I pass it?  I guess I'm the one deciding that, right?  I guess I did.  I figure, maybe it was just what it was.  A moment in time.  A divine wink.  I could have done whatever I wanted at the moment.  In all honesty, I'd barely remembered I had owned them until they resurfaced.  I wondered, did it mean I should take them back? - wow, they're only $12 now.  I pondered on it and recognized they still looked quite new.  I remembered I never wore them, not even once, except to just try them on.  I didn't have the recollection of whether or not they were even comfortable long term.  Oh, but maybe I could this time.  What did it all mean?  That's the thing though, I kinda overthink things, when really, there is no definitive anything - only the meaning I attach to it.  That's all that form is, ain't it?  Definition.  If you really think about it. 

Like one time, my friend and I were talking about deities.  And who am I as one.  And what's my name, cause whatever I'm the God of that's what my name contains.  And "what is in a name?", I had really thought of that often.  And there I felt I'd found my answer -- beyond the form, be it a rose (a la Shakespeare), a body, a personality even -- a name is only a word to define, say, an essence of a thing.  And what truer words have been said?; "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet."  So there - no attachment to even a name.  Because I realize this may be all I have at the end of the day.  This body and this mind, her stories and her thoughts, her feelings.  Her name.  And I smile, because it is almost silly to me, none of this truly belongs to me.  

Oh, and by the way... I didn't re-buy the shoes.