Internet Diary 41#

I'm so sleepy right now...

Anyways

For the past days I've been struggling trying to figure out what the fuck is happening with my romantic attraction, this is why I hadn't been identifying as pansexual like I was before I started to question it. 

Truly right now I am not happy with the relationship I'm in at this moment and I don't know how I could communicate that with him without feeling like I'm the worst and should kill myself for getting him into something that could've been prevented if my thought process was working like a normal human beings would.

I wish that I could be dating someone where I'm not scared of physical touch from the person I'm dating. The thought of dating him was only appealing because I didn't really know what it was like to date him and I was wrong with how I thought it would be like I realized.

This same situation keeps happing whenever I date someone and I hate it.

Dating and crushes is something I don't fully get, I understand why you would want to date so you aren't alone when you are older or so you can still continued your family bloodline but other then that I really don't understand it.

And then with crushes I don't understand how you know when you have one, like how do you know if you aren't just obsessed with the idea of being with them or instead so obsessed with that person in a way that's unhealthy and not real love.  

Also

I don't think I like guys at all when I date them and that I prefer girls instead when I date them irl, which kind of makes no sense since the fictional characters I think I have a crush on are mostly guys. 

The only reason why I think that is because I think I don't really see guys as attractive in a I want to date them way and when I had this one dream I couldn't stop thinking about the girl from this dream I had. 

The girl in that dream was so pretty and looked like someone I would be happy dating just for fun. 

Honestly all my past exs when I dated them it was just for fun, back then I knew I didn't fully understand crushes and why people would even have them. 

I don't think I ever actually had a real crush on someone I knew or didn't know back then and even now. 

I think I'm gonna stop talking about my thoughts about this on here for today and do a journal entry in my real journal.