I'm irked

I'm not necessarily tired. I had such a wonderful and lovely day yesterday. I just cried recently and it made me want to spiral down some old thoughts and habits. Not gonna. It is truly a displeasure have all these annoying thoughts. I'm in those 'I hate everyone' moods. Makes me wanna stress eat. So I'm yapping here again because I'd rather go six feet under than express all this directly to another human being in an active conversation. I hate it, I hate that, I'm starting to hate compliments, I'm starting to hate when people are friendly with me, like as if we're close. I don't like trying to match that energy anymore, cause that's not really me. I view that kind of interaction as transactional, so I decided to stop with the needless giddy giddy, mushy gushy, overly cheerful socializing. It just isn't me, and it's exhausting putting so much energy into people that way.

I only tried it as a means of trying to further connection, but that failed, and nothing really progressed, so I'd like to go back to being short with most people. I don't owe them anything, they don't owe me anything. Not talking about basic manners, just overly friendly people make me uncomfortable in a way. Not all, but some.

I've also begun drawing a lot for art fight, taking a break today to draw for me and do stupid doodles. Hate hate hate hate. I hate it all. I hate that person and that other person. I don't necessarily hate anyone, I just wanted to get that out my system because I'm mildly discomforted, and for my own sake, I've left just about all the social settings I'm in. Discord groups/servers, old friends. I've essentially cut most of them off because it feels meaningless to keep in contact. There's no point in staying connected imo. Apart of me feels uneasy when I talk or interact with someone more and more. I fear the chance of gaining attachment, growing used to someone. I always want to be prepared to separate. Even the smallest positive interactions fill me with little questions and paranoia. Disgusting, disgraceful, despicable, get away from me. I don't even know what I'm talking about now, but it feels more comforting to talk to a wall here than to discuss this in bulk with someone. I need to busy myself with noise, work, art, anything that isn't meaningless contact with people. I want to learn to not feel obligated to respond to someone too. It's icky. Or simply become neutral towards it. Like feeling comfortable with simply not responding to every person. I want to focus on myself more, even more and only the people that actually matter in my life.

And bleh bleh bleh. Hate hate hate(Reggie from Date Everything is that you?) I'm not sleepy, I'm just in a little somber mood. Now I need a good laugh and a good snack.