No. 13 - Andromeda Calling

10:23AM - Monday, June 30th 2025]

I had a song stuck in my head after a mental debate on the question, "will I achieve all that I desire as my end goal?" Though I will not express them publically ('until done, tell none'), they would be best described as mighty to accomplish. 

The song stuck in my head was Andromeda by Weyes Blood. From an interview with her, I cite the following quote:

"deep space and deep ocean are both very symbolic for the subconscious and, as somebody who is very introspective I am a fan of trying to navigate the unseen, the unknown and those mysteries that live within ourselves"

This draws from the musical artist's past, and after the first bit of the song. I resonate, albeit woefully, to a lot of it. For example:

"Andromeda's a big wide open galaxy

Nothing in it for me

'Cept my heart that's lazy

Runnin' from my own life now

I'm really turnin' some time

Looking up to the sky for something I may never find"

In my own interpretation, I take this as a way of saying that there is so much in this world that you want to accomplish, but I'm unsure if I will succeed in that effort. I doubt my own habits and if I am good enough, and often turn to distractions to cope. Time passes inevitably, but I still dream of that success.

It resonates deeper than I would like it too. If I look into the vast ocean of possibilities, I might find some faith, but in the depths there is also fear, doubt, and escapism into something that seems neverending (but it all does end, in death, ie. the bottom of the ocean). 

The second part delves more into the aspect of love, which I recently dealt with in the form of heartbreak. 

"Treat me right

I'm still a good man's daughter

Let me in if I break

And be quiet if I shatter

Gettin' tired of looking

You know that I hate the game

Don't wanna waste any more time

You know I been holdin' out"

Weyes Blood later touched on this, saying:

"True love in ‘Andromeda’ is kind of like this abstract thing to a woman who has accumulated a lot of negative experiences, and maybe not had a lot of support otherwise—which is kind of like me, navigating in a predominately male world for most of my twenties (…) There are a lot of wounds that a woman accumulates (…) That’s really hard to bring into a relationship—that is a total relationship killer. It’s a lot to ask somebody, of a man especially, to be like, can you please draw me out of my hardened shell and make me soft again?"

I cannot envision myself in a relationship in this time. I would prefer more platonic ones, but part of that conflicts with patriarchal society and the devolving sense of chivalry that men have. I'm sick of it and I think it would be better to work on myself than to revisit a relationship.

But this could be a way of coping after the previous one involved a descent into two people becoming one, dependent, then separated by circumstance. It was peculiar because I knew something was off when I found it easier to ascribe gifts to them better for that one person than myself. I was in fact losing myself to this relationship, even if it was pleasureful. But that was my first love. True, it could have turned out a lot worse. But I still take it as a learning lesson that I should have been better. And I am working on ensuring that the next one will not end the same way things have before. 

It's frightening though. The perceived lack of kindness in mens hearts as a result of the way culture and patriarchy has shaped them. I see it in the way they hold a conversation, the desire driven not by love but rather deprivation, and the closed off emotions that will remain until one is met with the desire to change themselves internally. 

I am also closed off. I have, however, tailored an on-and-off switch that will immediately allow me to spill my guts and mind (thank you therapy). But becoming vulnerable with someone takes years. Do I trust them? Are their intentions good-willed? Is this right for my future?

So many questions. yet there is a lot at risk. And while I have ample time, both to accomplish my own goals and find love, I only hope that these desires age like fine wine.